IRLF 


OF 


mm*' 


]\Ir.   ^Ionian  as  Ki-RAM 


THE   SULTAN 
OF   SULU 

AN    ORIGINAL    SATIRE 
IN    TWO   ACTS 


BY 


NEW    YORK 
R.    H.    RUSS  ELL 

1903 


LIBRARY 

PNflVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA 
DAVIS 


Copyright,  1903 
By  ROBERT  HOWARD  RUSSELL 

Published  May,  1903. 


rHIS  piece,   with   an   accompaniment   of  music 
written  by  Alfred  G.  Wathall,  was  produced  by 
the   Castle   Square  Opera  Company,  under  the 
direction    of    Henry    W.    Savage,    at    the   Studebaker 
Theatre,  in  Chicago,   on  March   n,    1902.      The  first 
Boston  performance  was  at   the  Tremont  Theatre,  on 
December  i,  1902.     The  -first  New  York  performance 
was  at  Wallaces  Theatre,  on  December  29,  1902. 

The  music  for  "  The  Sultan  of  Sulu"  is  published 
by  M.  Witmark  &  Sons,  New  York  and  Chicago. 


NOTE 

Sutu,  or  Jolo,  is  the  largest  of  the  southerly  islands  in  the 
Philippine  group.  The  chief  ruler  of  the  island  is  Hadji 
Mohammed  Jamalul  Ki-Ram,  Sultan  of  Sulu  and  Brother 
of  the  Sun.  His  rule  has  been  disputed  by  certain  dattos 
or  chiefs,  with  whom  he  has  kept  up  a  running  warfare. 
One  of  the  characteristic  features  of  this  warfare  has  been 
the  abduction  of  women.  The  natives  of  Sulu  are  Moham- 
medans, polygamists,  and  slave-holders.  The  American  troops 
landed  at  Sulu  in  1899,  and  after  some  parleying  came  to  a 
peaceable  agreement  with  the  Malay  ruler.  He  renounced 
his  title  of  Sultan  and  became  Governor  at  a  fixed  salary, 
"  The  Sultan  of  Sulu"  is  not  an  attempt  to  show  what  sub- 
sequently happened,  but  merely  what  might  have  happened. 


THE     SCENES 

ACT  I. — An  open  place  in  front  of  the  Sultan's  palace, 
city  of  Sulu  or  Jolo. 

ACT  II. — The  hanging  garden  of  the  Sultan's  palace. 
One  day  is  supposed  to  elapse  between  the  two  acts. 


CAST     OF     CHARACTERS 


The  cast  in  the  first  production,  Studebaker  Theatre,  Chicago, 
March  n,  1902. 


Mr.  George  A .  Beane 


Mr.  Robert  Lett 
Mr.  Reginald  Roberts 


KI-RAM,  the  Sultan  of  Sulu 

COLONEL  JEFFERSON  BUDD,  of  the 
Volunteers 

LIEUTENANT  WILLIAM  HARDY,  of 
the  Regulars 

HADJI  TANTONG,  the  Sultan's  pri- 
vate secretary  Mr.  Fred  Frear 

DATTO  MANDI,  of  Parang  Mr.  William  H.  Hatter 

WAKEFUL  M.  JONES,  agent  and 

salesman  Mr.  James  F.  McDonald 

DINGBAT,  Captain  of  the  Guards         Mr.  Harold  Warren 

RASTOS    )  N  h.        ,  Mr.  John  J.  Fogarty 

DIDYMOS  ]  Nubian  slaves  Mr.  Gilbert  F.  Brown 

HENRIETTA  BUDD,  the  Colonel's 

daughter  Miss  Margaret  McKinney 

PAMELA  FRANCES  JACKSON,  Judge- 


Wives  of 
Ki-Ram 


Advocate 
CHIQUITA,  wife  number  one 
MAURICIA 
LOLITA 
RAMONA 
PEPITA 
NATIVIDAD 
NATALIA 
SELINA 

Miss  ROXBURY  ^ 
Miss  DORCHESTER  I 
Miss  CAMBRIDGE  [ 
Miss  NEWTON 


The 

School-ma'ams 
from  Boston 


Miss  Blanche  Chapman 
Miss  Gertrude  Quintan 
Miss  Jessie  Bradbury 
Miss  Lillian  Sefton 
Miss  Mildred  Elaine 
Miss  Laura  Doty 
Miss  Louise  Kelly 
Miss  Adele  Lorraine 
Miss  Gladys  Coleman 
Miss  Bonnie  Henkle 
Miss  Nora  Johnson 
Miss  Ruby  Powell 
Miss  Lillian  Maure 


U.  S.  Soldiers,  Marines,  Imperial  Guards,  American  Girls, 
Slaves,  Natives,  and  Attendants. 


CAST     OF     CHARACTERS 


The  cast  during  the  run  at  Wallaces  Theatre,  looth  per- 
formance, March  23,  1903.  The  list  of  characters  was 
changed  in  the  revising  of  the  libretto. 


KI-RAM,  the  Sultan  of  Sulu 

COLONEL  JEFFERSON  BUDD,  of  the 
Volunteers 

LIEUTENANT  WILLIAM  HARDY,  of 
the  Regulars 

HADJI  TANTONG,  the  Sultan's  pri- 
vate secretary 

DATTO  MANDI,  of  Parang 

WAKEFUL  M.  JONES,  agent  and 
salesman 

DINGBAT,  Captain  of  the  Guards 

SERGEANT  STANDPIPE,  U.  S.  A. 

RASTOS 


Mr.  Frank  Moulan 
Mr.  George  H.  Shields 
Mr.  Tempter  Saxe 

Mr.  Fred  Frear 
Mr.  Frank  Rainger 

Mr.  Paul  Nicholson 
Mr.  Frank  Hunter 
Mr.  Basil  Millspaugh 
,  Mr.  John  J.  Fogarty 

Mr.  Edward  J.  Flanagan 
HENRIETTA     BUDD,    the    Colonel's 

daughter  Miss  Maude  Lillian  Berri 

PAMELA  FRANCES  JACKSON,  Judge- 


Advocate 
CHIQUITA,  wife  number  one 
GALULA,  the  faithful  one 
MAURICIA 
RAMONA 

PEPITA         I  Wives  of 
NATIVIDAD  [    Ki-Ram 
NATALIA 
SELINA 

MlSS  ROXBURY          ^| 

Miss  DORCHESTER  I 
Miss  CAMBRIDGE  f 
Miss  NEWTON 


The 

School-ma'ams 
from  Boston 


Miss  Blanche  Chapman 
Miss  Gertrude  Quintan 
Miss  Victory  Gale 
Miss  Loris  Scarsdale 
Miss  Nellie  Adams 
Miss  Beryl  Gomez 
Miss  Mabel  Wilbur 
Miss  Effie  Hasty 
Miss  Teddie  Du  Coe 
Miss  Aurora  Piatt 
Miss  Charlotte  Groves 
Miss  Jane  Mandeville 
Miss  Memay  Kennedy 


U.  S.  Soldiers,  Marines,  Imperial  Guards,  American  Girls, 
Slaves,  Natives,  and  Attendants. 


ACT     I 


SCENE. — An  open  place  in  Sulu.  The  SULTAN'S  palace, with 
Sulu  flag  flying  in  front  of  it,  at  stage  right.  Suggestion 
of  tropical  vegetation  at  stage  left.  Beyond,  the  open 
sea.  TIME. — Early  morning.  During  the  opening 
chorus,  the  stage  gradually  becomes  lighted  with  the 
glow  of  sunrise.  Native  men  and  women  on  stage, 
kneeling. 

OPENING    CHORUS 

The  darkness  breaks!     The  day's  begun! 
Hail  to  the  Sultan  and  the  sun! 
One  cannot  rank  above  the  other; 
The  sun  is  but  the  Sultan's  brother. 
Behold  the  sun!     Majestic  sun! 
He  is  the  Sultan's  brother. 

Well  may  he  ride  in  crimson  pride, 
He  is  the  Sultan's  brother. 

With  regal  sway,  the  King  of  day; 
And  this  the  reason,  we  should  say, 
He  is  the  Sultan's  brother! 
[i] 


The   Sultan   of  Sulu 

[Six  of  the  wives  of  Ki-RAM  enter,  romping.  They 
are:  MAURICIA,  SELINA,  NATIVIDAD,  PEPI- 
TA,  NATALIA,  RAMONA  —  young  and  attractive 
things. 

THE  Six  WIVES 
In  early  morn,  at  breakfast -time, 

It  is  our  wifely  duty 
To  greet  the  Sultan  with  a  rhyme 

And  to  cheer  him  with  our  beauty. 
So  we  come,  a  sweet  sextette 

Of  most  unwilling  brides, 
To  tap  upon  the  castanet 

And  do  our  Spanish  glides. 

Dance 

In  early  morn,  at  breakfast -time, 
It  is  our  wifely  duty 
To  tap  upon  the  castanet 
And  do  our  Spanish  glides. 

ALL 
Behold  the  sun,  etc. 

[At  conclusion  of  the  chorus,  the  natives  salaam  to 
wives  and  retire  as  HADJI  comes  from  the  palace, 
pausing  on  the  upper  step  to  salute  the  cluster 
of  wives. 

m 


The   Sultan    of  Sulu 

HADJI 

[Mysterious  and  sotto  voce.]  Oh!  oh!  Ladies,  not  so 
much  noise!  Not  so  much  noise!  Our  beloved  ruler  is 
now  taking  his  beauty  sleep  in  the  inner  chamber.  Are 
all  of  the  Sultan's  loving  and  obedient  wives  present  at 
the  morning  round-up? 

WIVES 
[Ad  lib.]     Here!     Yes.     Present,  etc. 

[HADJI  gesticulates  for  silence.     Wives  group  about  in 
sitting  posture. 

HADJI 

In  order  to  make  sure,  we  shall  proceed  with  the  usual 
roll-call.  [He  consults  a  book  containing  the  official  list 
of  wives.]  Mauricia!  Mauricia! 


Here! 


Selina. 


MAURICIA 


HADJI 


Here! 


SELINA 


HADJI 
Daily  catechism.     Do  you  love  your  husband? 

[3] 


The   Sultan    of  Sulu 

SELINA 
What  is  the  answer? 

HADJI 
The  answer  is,  "I  adore  him." 

SELINA 
All  right ;  put  it  down. 

HADJI 
Such  devotion  is  touching.     [Calling]     Natividad! 

NATIVIDAD 
Here! 

HADJI 

[Calling]     Pepita — Pepita — Pete!     Where  is  the  Gibson 
girl  of  the  Philippine  Islands? 

PEPITA 
Here! 

HADJI 

Pepita — a  question  from  the  book.     Suppose  the  Sultan 
should  die — would  you  remarry? 

PEPITA 
What  is  the  answer? 

[4] 


The   Sultan    of  Sulu 

HADJI 
The  ansv\rer  is,  "Never!"     Shall  I  so  record  it? 

PEPITA 

Never! 

HADJI 

Oh,  how  she  loves  that  man!     [From  the  book  again.] 
Natalia — naughty  little  Natty! 

NATALIA 
Here! 

HADJI 

Ramona!     Ramona!     Blithesome    creature,    where    art 

thou? 

RAMONA 
Here! 

HADJI 
Ramona — a  question  from  the  book.     Do  you — 

RAMONA 
[Interrupting.]     Yes. 

HADJI 
I    am    delighted    to    hear    it.       [Calling.]       Chiquita! 

[5] 


The   Sultan    of  Sulu 

Chiquita!  Has  any  one  seen  the  sunny  soubrette  of  the 
southern  seas?  [Cadenza  heard  outside.]  Aha!  Gallivant- 
ing as  usual.  [CHIQUITA  enters  and  salaams.] 

HADJI 

Now  that  our  entire  domestic  household  has  assembled, 
I  wish  to  make  an  announcement.  It  has  come  to  the 
ears  of  our  august  ruler  that  your  uncle,  the  Datto  Mandi 
of  Parang,  is  encamped  near  the  city. 

[The  wives,  arise,  with  various  exclamations  of  sur- 
prise. The  news  appears  to  please  them.  HADJI 
invokes  silence. 

He  has  come  to  recapture  you,  but  never  fear.  We, 
editorially  speaking,  will  protect  you. 

CHIQUITA 

But  we  wish  to  be  recaptured.  We  want  to  go  back  to 
dear  old  Parang. 

^       HADJI 

[Injured  tone.]  Oh,  Chiquita!  Thus  do  you  repay  Ki- 
Ram's  single-hearted  devotion? 

CHIQUITA 

[Confronting  HADJI.]  Single-hearted  fiddle-sticks!  How 
can  a  man  have  a  single-hearted  devotion  for  eight  dif- 
ferent women?  We  were  brought  here  as  captives.  When 

[6] 


The  Sultan    of  Sulu 

it  came  to  a  choice  between  an  ignominious  death  and 
Ki-Ram,  we  hesitated  for  a  while  and  then  chose  Ki-Ram. 

HADJI 

Such  impertinence!     I  shall  inform  his  Majesty. 

[HADJI  goes  into  palace. 

NATALIA 
Oh,  Chiquita!     Our  husband  will  be  very  angry. 

CHIQUITA 

Our  husband  must  learn  that  any  man  who  takes  a  pet 
to  raise  must  expect  to  have  trouble.  Pets  are  expensive 
luxuries. 

A  WIFE 
And  a  wife,  I  suppose,  is  the  most  expensive  of  all. 

CHIQUITA 
Not  always. 

CHIQUITA  AND  WIVES 

"THE    QUEER    LITTLE    OSTRICH" 

The  words  and  music  for  this  song  by  MAURICE  PRATT 
DUNLAP,  of  Princeton  University. 

The  Datto  Bimboo  was  very  fond  of  pets, 
And  yet  it  was  one  of  his  principal  regrets 


The   Sultan    of  Sulu 

That  he  couldn't  afford  to  take  himself  a  wife; 

So  he  said,  "There  are  other  kinds  to  cheer  my  life." 

And  one  fine  day  from  a  jungle-man  he  bought  a  little 

ostrich  fleet. 

He  thought  it  was  funny  it  should  cost  so  little  money 
Till  the  ostrich  began  to  eat. 

REFRAIN 

Oh,  that  queer  little  ostrich,  a  pretty  price  it  cost,  which 
I  never  half  imagined  that  I'd  have  to  pay, 
For  I  never  thought  'twould  need  half  the  stuff  it  eats 

for  feed. 

Other  birds  don't  act  that  way. 
When  the  girls  see  the  queer  thing,  they  cry,  "Oh,  what 

a  dear  thing!" 

And  think  the  birdie  just  too  sweet; 
But  they  don't  know  how  my  goods  and  chattels  go, 
For  that  funny  little  bird  can  eat,  by  Jove! 
For  that  funny  little  bird  can  eat. 

That  ostrich  grew,  so  did  the  appetite; 

It  ate  all  day  and  it  ate  all  night; 

It  gobbled  ev'rything  in  sight  and  called  for  more, 

Till  it  was  filled  up  like  a  big  department  store. 

At  last  in  desperation  the  excited  man  fed  the  bird  a 

strychnine  pill. 

It  ate  it  ev'ry  bit,  it  feezed  it  not  a  whit, 
And  the  appetite  was  keener  still. 

[8] 


The   Sultan    of  Sulu 

REFRAIN 
Oh,  that  queer  little  ostrich,  etc. 

One  Sunday  night  a  missionary  called,  with  his  gold- 
headed  cane  and  his  head  so  bald, 

And  before  he  went  he  left  two  stacks 

Of  dear  little  papers  called  temperance  tracts. 

Now  the  ostrich  happening  to  pass  that  way,  he  gobbled 
up  the  parcel  flat; 

But  no  sooner  had  he  fed  than  the  birdie  tumbled 
dead, 

For  he  couldn't  stand  a  thing  like  that. 

REFRAIN 
Oh,  that  queer  little  ostrich,  etc. 

[Boom  of  cannon  heard  in  the  distance,  followed  by 
rattle  of  musketry.  Wives  retreat  to  rear  of  palace 
in  frightened  confusion  as  HADJI  comes  out  and 
stands  on  the  steps.  DINGBAT,  a  native  guard, 
with  drawn  sword  of  the  kris  shape,  rushes  on 
from  left. 

DINGBAT 
What  do  you  think,  sir? 

HADJI 
I'm  a  private  secretary.     I'm  not  permitted  to  think. 

[9] 


The   Sultan    of  Sulu 

DINGBAT 
A  large  white  ship  has  come  into  the  harbor. 

HADJI 
A  ship — in  the  harbor? 

DINGBAT 
It  is  crowded  with  soldiers. 

HADJI 

Soldiers? 

DINGBAT 

The  flag  is  one  of  red,  white,  and  blue,  spangled  with 
stars. 

HADJI 
Never  heard  of  such  a  flag. 

DINGBAT 
What's  more,  sir,  they're  coming  ashore. 

HADJI 

Soldiers  on  this  side.  [Indicating  left.]  Mandi  on  this. 
[Indicating  right.]  How  glad  I  am  that  I  am  merely  a 
private  secretary!  [Distant  boom  of  cannon.]  Aha!  That 
seems  friendly.  They  are  firing  a  salute. 

[10] 


The    Sultan    of  Sulu 

[Shell,  with  fuse  sputtering,  rolls  on  from  left  and 
disappears  behind  palace.  Sound  of  explosion. 
HADJI  disappears  headlong  into  the  palace,  followed 
by  DINGBAT.  The  broken  volleys  of  musketry  be- 
come louder  and  louder.  In  the  incidental  music 
there  is  a  suggestion  of  "A  Hot  Time  in  the  Old 
Town.1'  Sharp  yells  are  heard  off  left,  and  then  a 
body  of  United  States  Volunteers  in  khaki  and  ma- 
rines in  white  pours  on  the  stage  in  pell-mell  con- 
fusion. LIEUTENANT  WILLIAM  HARDY,  in  a  white 
uniform  of  the  Regulars,  comes  down  through  the 
centre  of  the  charging  squad.  He  has  his  sword 
drawn. 


LIEUTENANT  HARDY  AND  CHORUS  OF  SOLDIERS 
"HIKE" 

We  haven't  the  appearance,  goodness  knows, 

Of  plain  commercial  men; 
From  a  hasty  glance,  you  might  suppose 

We  are  fractious  now  and  then. 
But  though  we  come  in  warlike  guise 

And  battle-front  arrayed, 
It's  all  a  business  enterprise; 

We're  seeking  foreign  trade. 


The   Sultan   of  Sulu 

REFRAIN 
We're  as  mild  as  any  turtle-dove 

When  we  see  the  foe  a-coming, 
Our  thoughts  are  set  on  human  love 

When  we  hear  the  bullets  humming, 
We  teach  the  native  population 

What  the  golden  rule  is  like, 
And  we  scatter  public  education 

On  ev'ry  blasted  hike! 

We  want  to  assimilate,  if  we  can, 

Our  brother  who  is  brown; 
We  love  our  dusky  fellow-man 

And  we  hate  to  hunt  him  down. 
So,  when  we  perforate  his  frame, 

We  want  him  to  be  good. 
We  shoot  at  him  to  make  him  tame, 

If  he  but  understood. 

REFRAIN 
We're  as  mild,  etc. 

[During  the  second  verse,  the  wives  and  native  women 
return  timidly,  drawn  by  curiosity.  They  gather 
about  the  soldiers  and  study  them  carefully,  more 
or  less  frightened  but  not  altogether  displeased. 
LIEUTENANT  HARDY  addresses  the  company  of 
natives. 

[13] 


The   Sultan    of  Sulu 

HARDY 
I  am  here  to  demand  an  audience  with  the  Sultan. 

CHIQUITA 

[Stepping  forth.]  Indeed!  And  who  are  you  that  pre- 
sumes to  demand  an  audience  with  the  Bright  Morning 
Light  of  the  Orient? 

HARDY 

Why,  how  do  you  do?  I  am  Lieutenant  Hardy — a  mod- 
est representative  of  the  U.  S.  A. 

[HADJI  cautiously  emerges  from  the  palace. 

HADJI 

[Overhearing.]  The  U.  S.  A.?  Where  is  that  on  the 
map? 

HARDY 

Just  now  it  is  spread  all  over  the  map.  Perhaps  you 
don't  know  it,  but  we  are  the  owners  of  this  island.  We 
paid  twenty  millions  of  dollars  for  you.  [All  whistle]  At 
first  it  did  seem  a  large  price,  but  now  that  I  have  seen  you 
[indicating  wives]  I  am  convinced  it  was  a  bargain.  [CHI- 
QUITA has  lighted  a  native  cigarette  and  is  serenely  puffing  it. 
LIEUTENANT  HARDY  addresses  her  chidingly.]  You  don't 
mean  to  say  you  smoke? 

CHIQUITA 
Don't  the  ladies  of  your  country  smoke? 


The   Sultan    of  Siilu 

HARDY 

The  ladies  do — the  women  don't. 

[HADJI  observes  the  confidential  chat  between  the  offi- 
cer and  the  principal  wife,  and  he  is  disturbed  in 
spirit. 

HADJI 

Lieutenant!  [More  loudly.]  Lieutenant!  Did  you  come 
ashore  to  talk  business  or  to  break  into  the  harem  ? 

HARDY 

Beg  pardon.  [Stepping  back  into  a  stiff,  military  attitude] 
Does  the  Sultan  surrender? 

HADJI 
He  says  he  will  die  first. 

HARDY 

That  can  be  arranged.  We  are  here  as  emissaries  of 
peace,  but  we  never  object  to  a  skirmish — eh,  boys? 

[The  soldiers  respond  with  a  warlike  shout,  which 
frightens  the  native  women.  The  lieutenant  re- 
assures them. 

HARDY 

Young  ladies,  don't  be  alarmed.  We  may  slaughter 
all  the  others,  but  you  will  be  spared.  Meet  us  here  after 
the  battle. 

[14] 


The   Sultan    of  Sulu 

HADJI 

The  battle!  [He  jails  against  DINGBAT.  Then  he  de- 
jectedly moves  over  to  centre  and  addresses  the  wives.]  Mes- 
dames  Ki-Ram,  his  Majesty  is  about  to  dictate  to  me  his 
last  will  and  testament.  In  one  hour  you  will  be  widows 
— all  of  you.  You  had  better  begin  picking  out  your 
black  goods. 

CHIQUITA 

And  I  never  did  look  well  in  black. 

[Sound  of  gong  heard  in  palace. 

HADJI 
Excuse  me. 

[Exit  into  palace  after  DINGBAT. 

[LIEUTENANT  HARDY  resumes  his  confidential  rela- 
tions with  wives  and  native  women. 

HARDY 
Young  ladies,  you  never  saw  a  real  Yankee  girl,  did  you? 

CHIQUITA 
What  is  she  like? 

HARDY 

The  American  girl  ?  The  most  remarkable  combina- 
tion of  innocence  and  knowledge,  of  modesty  and  bold- 


The   Sultan    of  Sulu 

ness,  of  school-girl  simplicity  and  married-woman  diplo- 
macy. 

[Native  boys,  running  on  from  left,  call  attention  to  the 
approach  of  the  American  party.  All  the  natives 
bow  with  their  arms  extended  in  a  deferential  sa- 
laam. Soldiers  come  to  " present  arms." 


WELCOME    CHORUS 

Welcome,  Americanos! 
Welcome,  in  Oriental  style! 
Welcome,  Americanos! 
Welcome,  in  Oriental  style! 
Sulu  bids  you  welcome! 
Sulu  bids  you  welcome! 

[COLONEL  JEFFERSON  BUDD,  HENRIETTA  BUDD, 
WAKEFUL  M.  JONES,  PAMELA  FRANCES  JACKSON, 
and  the  four  school-ma'ams  enter,  with  smiling  ac- 
knowledgments of  the  vocal  greeting.  HENRIETTA 
is  a  very  attractive  girl,  in  a  stunning  summer  gown. 
COLONEL  BUDD  is  large  and  imposing,  somewhat 
overburdened  with  conscious  dignity.  He  wears 
a  colonel's  service  uniform.  WAKEFUL  M.  JONES 
is  a  brisk  young  man  in  flannels.  Miss  JACKSON 
is  a  sedate  and  rigid  spinster.  Her  attire  indicates 
that  she  has  made  a  partial  compromise  with  the 
[16] 


The    Sultan    of  Sulu 

dress -reformers,  but  has  a  lingering  fondness  for 
stylish  garments  that  fit.  After  the  entrance,  HEN- 
RIETTA advances  from  the  group  and  breaks  into  the 
anticipated  song. 


HENRIETTA  BUDD  AND  CHORUS 
"PALM    BRANCHES    WAVING" 

Palm  branches  waving 

A  welcome  to  the  queen  of  the  day, 

While  from  above  the  birds  seem  to  join  in  the  lay. 

Long  have  I  sought  thee, 

O  charming  little  tropical  isle! 

Here  let  me  dwell — let  me  dwell  awhile. 

Softly  comes  the  southern  breeze — 

Land  so  bright,  of  pure  delight, 

Oh,  how  I  have  longed  for  thee! 

HENRIETTA  AND  CHORUS 
'Neath  the  shade  of  spreading  trees — 
Ah,  Sulu,  fair  Sulu, 
Tis  the  land  I  have  longed  to  see. 

HENRIETTA 

Long  have  I  sought  thee, 
O  charming  little  tropical  isle! 
Here  let  me  dwell — let  me  dwell  awhile. 


The    Sultan    of  Sulu 

HARDY 

[Addressing  company  of  natives.]  Ladies  and  gentlemen, 
Colonel  Budd!  [Pointing  out  that  august  personage.]  His 
daughter,  Miss  Henrietta  Budd! 

\Jones  calls  attention  to  Miss  Jackson. 

JONES 

And  this  is  Miss  Pamela  Frances  Jackson,  a  lady  who 
knows  as  much  as  any  man — and  then  some  more. 

PAMELA 

[Inquiringly.]     The  Sultan? 

CHIQUITA 
He  is  within — making  his  will. 

HENRIETTA 
His  will? 

CHIQUITA 

He  expects  to  be  captured.  They  are  going  to  do  some- 
thing dreadful  to  him. 

BUDD 
[Impressively.]     We  are  going  to  assimilate  him. 

CHIQUITA 

Yes,  that's  why  he's  making  his  will. 

[18] 


The    Sultan    of   Sulu 


#  JONES 

If  he  really  expects  to  die,  now  is  the  time  to  talk  life  in- 
surance. 

[He  starts  towards  the  palace,  whereupon  the  alarmed 

wives  crowd  in  front  of  him. 
No!     And  why  not? 

CHIQUITA 

For  entering  that  majestic  presence  unheralded,  the  pun- 
ishment is  death. 

ALL 
Death! 

[Jones  smiles  disdainfully  and  buttons  his  coat. 

JONES 

Watch  me  !  '  [He  motions  them  to  right  and  left  and 
hurriedly  enters  palace.  The  natives  are  amazed  at  his  au- 
dacity} 

CHIQUITA 
Poor  man! 

HARDY 

Don't  worry  about  Mr.  Jones.  He's  from  Chicago. 
[Looking  about,  sees  soldiers  warming  up  to  wives}  I'm 
afraid  my  men  are  in  danger. 

[Miss  JACKSON  comes  to  the  rescue. 


The   Sultan    of  Sulu 

PAMELA 

Young  ladies!  You  are  rather  young  to  be  trifling  with 
soldiers. 

CHIQUITA 
Not  so  young.     We  are  married — all  of  us. 

PAMELA 

What,  married  women  flirting!  It  is  an  uncivilized 
country.  Gather  about  me.  [They  come  to  her  and  she 
advises  them  in  a  patronizing  manner.]  When  you  have 
become  Americanized  you  won't  follow  soldiers.  You'll 
compel  them  to  follow  you. 

[The  expeditious  JONES  comes  from  the  palace,  glee- 
fully waving  a  paper. 

JONES 

I  have  insured  his  life  for  fifty  thousand  pesos.  I  con- 
vinced him  that  he  would  be  a  dead  man  in  less  than 
fifteen  minutes. 

BUDD 

[Preparing  for  an  effort]     Soldiers  of  the  republic! 

ALL 
Hear!     Hear! 

BUDD 
For  the  first  time  you  are  about  to  stand  in  the  presence 

[20] 


The    Sultan    of   Sulu 

of  royalty.  Stiffen  yourselves  for  the  ordeal,  and  remem- 
ber, no  deference,  for  each  of  you  is  a  sovereign  in  his  own 
right. 

CHORUS    TO    SULTAN 

Sultan!     Mighty  Sultan! 

Thrice  glorious  in  defeat. 
Sultan!     Wretched  Sultan! 

This  great  affliction  meet. 

[There  is  a  slow  thrumming  of  Oriental  music,  during 
which  HADJI  appears  on  the  steps  oj  the  palace 
and  makes  a  mournful  announcement. 

HADJI 

Ladies  and  gentlemen,  his  Majesty  is  coming  prepared 
to  die  according  to  contract.  He  has  only  one  request  to 
make.  It  is  that  you  do  not  ask  him  to  die  a  cheap  and 
common  death. 

[The  natives  prostrate  themselves.  Ki-RAM  comes 
from  palace,  accompanied  by  his  two  Nubian 
slaves,  DIDYMOS  and  RASTOS.  The  Sultan  is 
attired  in  funereal  black  and  is  the  picture  of  woe. 

KI-RAM 

[Recitative.]     What  do  you  think?     I've  got  to  die; 
My  time  has  come  to  say  good-bye 

[ai] 


The    Sultan    of  Sulu 

To  my  upholstered  Sulu  throne 
And  all  that  I  can  call  my  own. 

[He  comes  down  and  dolefully  sings  what  he  believes 
to  be  his  swan-song. 

KI-RAM  AND  CHORUS 
"THE    SMILING    ISLE" 

We  have  no  daily  papers 
To  tell  of  Newport  capers, 

No  proud   four    hundred  to    look    down    on    ordinary 

folk ; 

We  have  no  stocks  and  tickers, 
No  Scotch  imported  liquors, 

To  start  us  on  the  downward  path  and  some  day  land 

us  broke; 

We've  not  a  single  college 
Where  youth  may  get  a  knowledge 

Of  chorus  girls  and  cigarettes,  of  poker  and  the  like; 
No  janitors  to  sass  us, 
No  bell-boys  to  harass  us, 

And  we've  never  known  the  pleasure  of  a  labor-union 
strike. 

REFRAIN 

And  that  is  why,  you'll  understand, 
I  love  my  own,  my  native  land, 


The   Sultan    of  Sulu 

My  little  isle  of  Sulu. 

[Chorus.]     Sulu! 
Smiling  isle  of  Sulu! 

[Chorus]     Sulu! 

I'm  not  ready  to  say  good-bye, 
I'm  mighty  sorry  that  I  have  to  die. 

We  have  no  prize-fight  sluggers, 
No  vaudevillian  muggers, 

No  one  of  us  has  ever  shot  the  chutes  or  looped  the  loop ; 
No  cable-cars  or  trolleys, 
No  life-insurance  jollies, 

No  bank  cashiers  to  take  our  money  'ere  they  fly  the 

coop; 

No  bookies  and  no  races, 
No  seaside  summer  places; 

No  Bertha  Clays  and  Duchesses  to  make  the  females  cry; 
We  have  no  dairy  lunches, 
Where  they  eat  their  food  in  bunches, 

And  we  don't  insult  our  stomachs  with  the  thing  they 
call  mince-pie. 

REFRAIN 
And  that  is  why,  etc. 

We  have  no  short-haired  ladies 
Who  are  always  raising  Hades 

With  their  finical  and  funny  old  reformatory  fads; 


The    Sultan    of  Sulu 

No  ten-cent  publications, 

Sold  at  all  the  railway  stations, 

With  a  page  or  two  of  reading  and  a  hundred  stuffed 

with  "ads"; 
We  never  chew  in  Sulu 
Any  pepsin  gum  or  tolu — 

In  fact,  we're  not  such  savages  as  some  of  you  might 

think ; 

And  during  intermission 
We  always  crave  permission 

Before  we  walk  on  other  people  just  to  get  a  drink. 

REFRAIN 
And  that  is  why,  etc. 

We  have  no  politicians, 
And  under  no  conditions 

Do  we  tolerate  the  fraud  who  cures  by  laying  on  of  hands ; 
We  have  no  elocutionists, 
No  social  revolutionists, 

No  amateur  dramatics,  and  no  upright  baby  grands; 
We  don't  play  golf  and  tennis, 
And  we  never  know  the  menace 

Of  a  passing  fad  or  fancy  that  may  turn  the  nation's  head ; 
I'm  proud  of  my  dominion 
When  I  voice  the  bold  opinion 

That  we'll  never  know  the  tortures  of  a  patent  fold- 
ing-bed. 

[24] 


The   Sultan   of  Sulu 

REFRAIN 
And  that  is  why,  etc. 

[The  song  being  ended,  Ki-RAM  stands  apart  in  an 
attitude  supposed  to  signify  heroic  resignation. 

KI-RAM 

Now,  then,  for  a  farewell  speech  that  will  look  well  in  the 
school  histories.  I  die — I  die  that  Sulu  may — 

BUDD 
Why,  your  Majesty,  you  are  not  expected  to  die. 

KI-RAM 

No  ?     [With  an  expression  of  glad  surprise.] 

BUDD 

We  are  your  friends.  We  have  come  to  take  possession 
of  the  island  and  teach  your  benighted  people  the  ad- 
vantages of  free  government.  We  hold  that  all  govern- 
ment derives  its  just  powers  from  the  consent  of  the 
governed. 

ALL 
Hear!     Hear! 

BUDD 

Now,  the  question  is,  do  you  consent  to  this  benevolent 
plan? 

[25] 


The    Sultan    of  Sulu 

[The  soldiers  bring  their  guns  to  "charge  bayonets." 
Ki-RAM  looks  right  and  left  and  finds  himself 
walled  in  by  threatening  weapons.  He  hesitates. 

KI-RAM 
Are  all  the  guns  loaded? 

BUDD 
They  are. 

KI-RAM 
I  consent. 

BUDD 

Good!     The  education  of  your  neglected  race  will  begin 
at  once  under  the  direction  of  these  young  ladies. 

[He  calls  attention  to  the  school-ma'ams  standing  in 
the  background.  When  KI-RAM  sees  the  luscious 
quartette  he  is  visibly  impressed. 

KI-RAM 

Young  ladies?     Oh-h-h!     Who  are  they? 

BUDD 

Four  of  our  most  interesting  products — four  highly  cul- 
tivated, dignified,  demure  New  England  school-ma'ams. 

[The  school-ma'ams  advance,  stepping  rather  high,  and 
introduce  themselves. 

[26] 


The   Sultan    of  Sulu 

THE  FOUR  SCHOOL-MA'AMS 
"FROM   THE   LAND   OF  THE  CEREBELLUM" 

From  the  land  of  the  cerebellum, 

Where  clubs  abound  and  books  are  plenty, 
Where  people  know  before  you  tell  'em 

As  much  as  any  one  knows, 
We  come  to  teach  this  new  possession 

All  that's  known  to  a  girl  of  twenty; 
And  such  a  girl,  it's  our  impression, 

Knows  more  than  you  might  suppose. 

You  may  judge  by  our  proper  bearing 

That  we're  accomplished,  proud,  and  haughty, 
Those  simple  little  gowns  we're  wearing 

Proclaim  our  innocent  style. 
You  must  not  think  because  we're  frisky 

That  we're  re-ally  bold  or  naughty; 
We  never  flirt  when  it  seems  risky, 

Except  for  a  little  while. 

KI-RAM 

[Gazing  at  them  with  unconcealed  admiration.]     Are  they 
going  to  open  school  here? 

BUDD 

This  very  day. 

[27] 


The   Sultan    of  Sulu 

KI-RAM 

I'll  be  there  early  with  my  face  washed  and  a  red  apple 
for  my  dear  teacher. 

BUDD 

We  believe  that  in  three  weeks  or  a  month  we  will  have 
you  as  cultured  as  the  people  of  my  native  State. 

KI-RAM 
And  what  State  is  that  ? 

BUDD 

The  State  of  Arkansaw! 

[On  the  word  "Arkansaw,"  the  Colonel  removes  his 
cap  reverently,  and  the  soldiers  solemnly  lift  their 
hats. 

KI-RAM 
Arkansaw?     Never  heard  of  it. 

BUDD 

What!  Never  heard  of  Arkansaw?  Then  permit  me 
to  tell  you  that  in  Arkansaw  they  never  heard  of  Sulu. 
Hereafter,  you  understand,  you  are  not  a  Sultan,  but  a 
Governor. 

KI-RAM 
A  Governor!     Is  that  a  promotion? 

[38] 


The  Sultan    of  Sulu 

BUDD 

Most  assuredly !  A  Governor  is  the  noblest  work  of  the 
campaign  committee.  Ladies  and  gentlemen — 

ALL 
Hear!     Hear! 

BUDD 

[In  oratorical  fashion}  I  take  pleasure  in  introducing  to 
you  that  valiant  leader,  that  incorruptible  statesman,  that 
splendid  type  of  perfect  manhood,  our  fellow-citizen,  the 
Honorable  Ki-Ram,  next  Governor  of  Sulu.  [Cheers}  He 
will  be  inaugurated  here  in  one  hour.  I  request  you  to  pre- 
pare for  the  festivities. 

[Another  cheer  and  all  exeunt  except  Ki-RAM, 
BUDD,  and  CHIQUITA.  The  principal  wife  seems 
disposed  to  loiter  near  the  Colonel  and  admire 
him. 

KI-RAM 

Chiquita,  run  along;  don't  annoy  the  Colonel.  [CHIQUITA 
goes  into  the  palace,  but  before  doing  so  she  gives  the  Colonel 
a  lingering  glance,  which  seems  to  warm  him  considerably. 
Ki  -  RAM  grasps  BUDD  by  the  hand.}  Colonel,  I  want  to 
thank  you.  It  was  great!  [Attempting  to  imitate  BUDD'S 
oratorical  flight}  That  some-kind-of-a  leader,  that  umpta- 
lallable  statesman,  that — that —  Say,  where  did  you  learn 
that  kind  of  talk? 

[29] 


The   Sultan    of  Sulu 

BUDD 

You  mustn't  mind  that.  I'm  in  politics.  I  say  that 
about  every  one. 

[Ki-RAM  blows  whistle,  which  he  carries  suspended 
on  a  cord  about  his  neck.  DIDYMOS  and  RASTOS 
bring  stools  and  then  exeunt,  dancing  in  unison. 
As  they  go  into  the  palace,  KI-RAM  and  BUDD  seat 
themselves.  At  the  same  moment  GALULA  comes 
from  behind  the  palace  carrying  a  large,  long- 
handled  fan  of  Oriental  pattern.  She  is  an  elderly 
female,  all  of  whose  native  charms  have  long  since 
disappeared.  Think  of  the  homeliest  woman  you  ever 
saw;  multiply  her  unloveliness  by  two,  and  the  read- 
er will  have  GALULA.  She  timorously  approaches 
Ki-RAM  and  begins  fanning  him  from  behind. 

KI-RAM 

Colonel,  you'll  excuse  me  for  mentioning  it,  but  you 
are  one  of  the  handsomest  men  I  ever  saw.  I — I —  [He 
pauses  with  an  expression  of  alarm  growing  on  his  coun- 
tenance. GALULA  continues  to  fan  him.]  Colonel,  do  you 
feel  a  draught?  [Turns  and  sees  GALULA.]  Oh-h-h!  Galula, 
I  know  you  love  me,  and  I  don't  blame  you,  but  you  want 
to  remember  one  thing,  "  Absence  makes  the  heart  grow 
fonder."  [She  exits,  looking  back  at  him  yearningly.]  That's 
one  of  them. 

BUDD 
One  of  what? 

[30] 


The   Sultan    of  Sulu 

KI-RAM 

One  of  my  wives.  She  is  the  charter  member.  I've 
tried  to  lose  her,  but  I  can't.  The  other  seven  were  those 
society  buds  that  you  saw  here  a  moment  ago.  I  captured 
them  about  a  month  ago. 

BUDD 

You  captured  them?  [Eagerly.]  Then  the  beautiful 
creature  with  whom  I  was  chatting — she  did  not  marry 
you  voluntarily? 

KI-RAM 

Galula  is  the  only  one  that  ever  married  me  voluntarily. 
The  others  I —  [Gesture  of  reaching  out,  taking  hold  of 
something,  and  pulling  it  in.]  Did  you  ever  hear  of  the 
Datto  Mandi  of  Parang? 

BUDD 

What  is  it — some  new  kind  of  breakfast  food? 


KI-RAM 

Certainly  not.  The  Datto  Mandi  is  a  warlike  gentleman 
who  holds  forth  on  the  other  side  of  the  island.  About  a 
month  ago  I  needed  a  new  batch  of  wives.  I  turned  the 
former  assortment  out  to  pasture,  then  I  went  over  to 
Parang  and  stampeded  seven  of  Mandi's  lovely  nieces. 
This  annoyed  Mandi. 


The   Sultan   of  Sulu 

BUDD 


Naturally. 


KI-RAM 

He  is  now  encamped  outside  the  wall,  waiting  for  a 
chance  to  recapture  them,  and  incidentally  carve  me  into 
small,  red  cubes.  Now,  then,  if  I'm  to  be  Governor  here,  I 
shall  expect  you  to  protect  me  against  him. 

[COLONEL  BUDD  arises  and  bursts  into  oratory. 

BUDD 

Most  assuredly!  Wherever  our  flag  floats  there  human 
rights  shall  be  protected,  though  the  heavens  fall.  Oh — 

KI-RAM 

Shake  out  the  parachute,  Colonel!  [Arises I\  Come 
down!  I  understand  all  that.  And  just  to  prove  that  I 
appreciate  what  you  have  done  for  me,  and  what  I  expect 
you  to  do  for  me  in  the  future,  do  you  know  what  I  am 
going  to  do? 

BUDD 
I  can't  imagine. 

KI-RAM 
Well,  I'm  going  to  set  'em  up. 

BUDD 
Set  'em  up? 

[32] 


The   Sultan    of  Sulu 

KI-RAM 

I'm  going  to  set  'em  up  to  the  wives.  [Makes  a  pro- 
found bow.]  Have  a  wife  on  me.  Take  your  pick  of  the 
eight.  Do  me  a  favor.  Choose  the  one  with  the  fan. 

BUDD 

What,  your  Majesty!  Take  another  man's  wife?  Bar- 
barous! Barbarous! 

KI-RAM 
Barbarous,  perhaps,  but  it  frequently  happens. 

BUDD 

Besides,  I — I — [hesitating] — may  as  well  tell  you  that  I 
have  proposed  marriage  to  Miss  Jackson,  the  Judge  Advo- 
cate. The  Judge  has  the  matter  under  advisement. 

KI-RAM 
That's  all  right — marry  both  of  them. 

BUDD 

My  dear  sir,  do  you  realize  that  under  our  laws  a  man 
is  entitled  to  only  one  wife  ? 

KI-RAM 

How  could  a  man  struggle  along  with  only  one  wife! 
Suffering  Allah!  I  wonder  if  they'll  try  to  work  that  rule 
on  me? 

[33] 


The   Sultan    of  Sulu 

[Ki-RAM  starts  to  enter  the  palace,  when  JONES,  en- 
tering at  right  from  rear  of  palace,  accosts  him 
sharply. 

JONES 
Governor! 

KI-RAM 
Well? 

JONES 
Are  you  ready  for  the  reception? 

KI-RAM 
What  is  a  reception?     Something  civilized? 

JONES 

[Taking  him  by  the  arm.]  A  reception,  Governor,  is  a 
function  at  which  a  large  number  of  people  assemble  in 
order  to  be  exclusive.  The  entire  population  files  past. 
You  shake  hands  with  each  person,  and  say,  "I  am  happy 
to  meet  you." 

KI-RAM 
That's  what  I  say,  but  am  I  happy? 

JONES 
Probably  not. 

[34] 


The  Sultan    of  Sulu 

BUDD 

However,  you  must  pretend  to  enjoy  these  little  tortures. 

JONES 

At  least,  until  the  other  people  are  out  of  hearing  dis- 
tance. 

KI-RAM,  BUDD,  AND  JONES 
"OH,    WHAT    A    BUMP!" 

JONES 
At  a  musicale,  a  five-o'clock, 

Or  social  jamboree, 
Tis  there  the  swagger  people  flock 
For  a  bite  and  a  sip  of  tea; 

And  this  is  what  you  hear: 
'It's  been  a  charming  afternoon"; 

"Delighted,  don't  you  know"; 
"  Sorry  I  have  to  leave  so  soon, 
But  really  I  must  go." 
But  after  she's  away 
In  her  coup£, 
What  does  this  self-same  woman  say? 

KI-RAM  AND  BUDD 
Well,  what  does  she  say? 

[35] 


The   Sultan    of  Sulu 

JONES 
"That  was  the  tackiest  time  I've  had 

In  twenty  years  or  more. 
The  crowd  was  jay  and  the  tea  was  bad 

And  the  whole  affair  a  bore." 

TRIO 

Ok,  what  a  bump  !     Alackaday! 

'Twould  darken  her  whole  career, 
Could  the  hostess  know  what  people  say 

When  she's  not  there  to  hear. 

BUDD 

The  bashful  youth  who's  rather  slow 

When  he  has  made  a  call, 
Receives  a  message,  soft  and  low, 
At  parting  in  the  hall. 

And  this  is  what  she  says: 
"Now  come  as  often  as  you  can. 

I  love  these  little  larks. 
It's  seldom  that  I  meet  a  man 
Who  makes  such  bright  remarks." 
But  when  he  tears  away 
From  this  fairy  fay, 
What  does  the  artful  maiden  say? 

KI-RAM  AND  JONES 
Well,  what  does  she  say? 

[36] 


The   Sultan    of  Sulu 

BUDD 

"Of  all  the  dummies  I  ever  met 
He's  the  limit,  and  no  mistake. 

As  a  touch-me-not  and  mamma's  pet, 
That  Johnnie  takes  the  cake." 

TRIO 
Oh,  what  a  bump  !     Alackaday! 

'Twould  darken  his  whole  career, 
Could  Harold  know  what  Mabel  says 

When  he's  not  there  to  hear. 

KI-RAM 

Did  you  ever  feel  like  saying — 

When  some  precocious  brat 
Recites  a  piece  called  "Mary's  Lamb" 
Or  "Little  Pussy  Cat"? 

And  this  is  what  you  say: 
"What  marvellous  talent  she  does  possess 

For  one  of  her  tender  age. 
I  think  she'd  make  a  great  success 
If  you'd  put  her  on  the  stage." 
But  later  in  the  day, 
When  you  get  away, 
What  do  you  then  proceed  to  say? 

BUDD  AND  JONES 
Well,  what  do  you  say? 

[37] 


The  Sultan    of  Sulu 
KI-RAM 

"If  that  awful  kid  belonged  to  me, 

I'll  tell  you  what  I'd  do — 
I'd  keep  it  under  lock  and  key 

And  spank  it  black  and  blue." 

TRIO 
Oh,  what  a  bump  !     Alackaday! 

'T would  darken  the  child's  career, 
Could  parents  know  what  callers  say 

When  they're  not  there  to  hear. 

JONES 
Perhaps  the  most  terrific  bump 

Is  found  in  politics. 
The  campaign  speaker  on  the  stump 
Is  up  to  all  the  tricks, 

And  this  is  what  he  says: 
"Oh,  fellow-citizens,  I  see 

Before  me  here  to-day 
The  sovereign  voters,  pure  and  free, 
Whom  I  shall  e'er  obey." 
But  when  he's  won  the  race, 
Gets  a  nice,  fat  place, 
What  does  the  people's  servant  say? 

Kl-RAM    AND    BUDD 

Well,  what  does  he  say? 
[38] 


The  Sultan   of  Sulu 

JONES 
"Well,  maybe  I  didn't  con  those  yaps 

With  that  patriotic  bluff. 
Now  that  I've  landed  one  of  the  snaps, 

I'm  going  to  get  the  stuff." 

TRIO 

Oh,  what  a  bump!     Alackaday! 

'Twould  darken  their  whole  career 
Could  voters  know  what  bosses  say 

When  they're  not  there  to  hear. 

KI-RAM 

Some  ladies  of  the  smartest  set 

Met  on  the  boulevard. 
They  shook  hands  most  effusively 
And  kissed  each  other  hard. 

And  this  is  what  one  said: 
"Why,  Alice,  dear,  what  a  zippy  gown! 

The  fit  is  perfectly  fine; 

And  that  dream  of  a  hat!     How  swell  you  look! 
Good-bye,  dear.     Drop  me  a  line." 
But  when  she  said  day-day, 
And  wafted  on  her  way, 
What  did  this  gushing  lady  say? 

BUDD  AND  JONES 
Well,  what  did  she  say? 

[39] 


The   Sultan    of  Sulu 

Ki-RAM 
"Did  you  ever  see  such  a  fright  of  a  dress? 

It  was  wrinkled  all  up  the  back, 
And  those  feathers,  too — she's  had  them  dyed; 
They  were  on  her  last  winter's  hat. 
[Spoken}     The  upstart!" 

TRIO 

Oh,  what  a  bump  !     Alackaday! 

'T would  darken  her  whole  career, 
Could  a  woman  know  what  her  friends  all  say 

When  she's  not  there  to  hear. 

[A  dance  concludes  this  number,  and  the  three  exeunt 
into  the  palace  as  HENRIETTA  BUDD  enters,  fol- 
lowed by  LIEUTENANT  HARDY,  who  appears  to  be 
expostulating  and  pleading. 

HENRIETTA 

Mr.  Hardy,  it  cannot  be.     My  father  objects  to  you  in 
language  which  I  dare  not  repeat. 

HARDY 
He  objects  to  me?     [Indignant  and  surprised} 

HENRIETTA 

He  told  me  only  yesterday  that  I  must  never  marry 
you. 

[40] 


The    Sultan    of  Sulu 

HARDY 
But  I  had  not  proposed  to  you  yesterday. 

HENRIETTA 

True,  but  I  knew  what  was  coming.  I  have  been  en- 
gaged many  times,  and  I  notice  that  the  man  who  intends 
to  propose  acts  very  strangely  for  a  day  or  two  in  ad- 
vance. So  I  went  to  father  and  said:  "Lieutenant  Hardy 
is  about  to  propose  to  me." 

HARDY 

Whereupon  he  said — 

HENRIETTA 

"My  child,  never  marry  a  Regular.  There  are  no  heroes 
except  in  the  Volunteer  service.  The  Volunteer  goes  home 
and  is  elected  to  Congress.  The  Regular  keeps  right  ahead, 
a  plain  fighting  man." 

HARDY 

Plain  fighting  man,  perhaps,  but  even  a  plain  fighting 
man  may  love,  and  I  love  you,  Henrietta — I  love  you  as 
only  a  West-Pointer  can  love  the  one  girl  in  sight. 

[Kisses  her  impetuously. 

HENRIETTA 

[Retreating  the  usual  number  of  steps.]  Lieutenant!  Is 
it  proper? 

[41] 


The    Sultan    of   Sulu 

HARDY 

It  is  customary  among  engaged  couples.     And  we  are 
engaged,  aren't  we? 

HENRIETTA 
Yes,  I  suppose  we  are — in  a  sort  of  a  way. 

HENRIETTA  AND  HARDY 
"ENGAGED    IN    A    SORT    OF    A   WAY" 

HARDY 
Sweetheart,  doubt  my  love  no  more; 

Believe  me,  I'm  sincere. 
I  love  no  other  on  this  tropic  shore; 

You're  the  only  girl  that's  here. 

HENRIETTA 

Lieutenant,  I  cannot  withstand 

A  man  who  pleads  like  you; 
So  here's  the  promise  of  my  heart  and  hand, 

At  least  for  a  month  or  two. 

HARDY 
We  are  engaged  in  a  sort  of  a  way. 

HENRIETTA 
And  we  will  truly  love  each  other. 

[42] 


The  Sultan    of  Sulu 

HARDY 

Though  it  may  chance  there  will  soon  come  a  day 
When  I  can  learn  to  love  another. 

HENRIETTA 
I  take  this  man  on  probation. 

HARDY 
And  I  will  take  her  just  the  same. 

BOTH 

For  it  is  simply  a  slight  variation 
Of  the  same  little  flirting  game. 

HENRIETTA 
Marriage  is  a  doubtful  state. 

I  think  of  it  with  dread. 
Still,  an  engagement  need  not  indicate 

That  we  really  mean  to  wed. 

HARDY 

Henrietta,  you  are  quite  correct. 

I  have  been  engaged  before. 
Frankly,  I'll  tell  you,  also,  I  expect 

That  /'//  be  engaged  some  more. 

HARDY 
We  are  engaged,  etc. 

[43] 


The    Sultan    of  Siilu 

[The  waltz  refrain  continues.  HARDY  and  HENRI- 
ETTA waltz  away  as  Ki-RAM  comes  out  of  the  palace, 
followed  by  PAMELA  FRANCES  JACKSON.  KI-RAM 
is  greatly  interested  in  the  waltz.  As  HARDY  and 
HENRIETTA  disappear  he  turns  and  puts  his  arm 
around  PAMELA,  and  they  execute  a  waltz  charac- 
terized by  activity  rather  than  poetry  of  motion. 
At  the  conclusion,  KI-RAM  is  somewhat  "blown" 
but  altogether  delighted. 

KI-RAM 

Oh,  my!  Pamela,  that  is  simply  hilarious.  What  do  you 
call  that? 

PAMELA 
It  is  called  a  waltz,  your  Majesty. 

KI-RAM 
Well,  it  may  not  be  proper,  but  it  is  enjoyable. 

PAMELA 
It  is  quite  proper,  I  assure  you. 

KI-RAM 

Is  it  ?  I  had  no  idea  that  anything  as  pleasant  as 
that  could  be  proper.  [He  wraps  his  arm  about  her.] 
Pamela,  I  suspect  that  we  are  going  to  be  very  jolly 
playmates. 

[44] 


The    Sultan   of  Sulu 

PAMELA 
Your  Majesty!  [She  is  horrified  at  his  presumption.] 

KI-RAM 
What  is  it? 

PAMELA 
Your  arm! 

KI-RAM 
Yes — what  about  it? 

PAMELA 
You  have  your  arm  around  me. 

KI-RAM 
I  know  it.  You  said  it  was  proper. 

PAMELA 

It  is  proper,  when  we  are  moving  about.  As  a  stationary 
form  of  amusement,  I  am  afraid  it  would  cause  comment. 

KI-RAM 

All  right  !  Let's  move  about.  Anything  to  be  civilized. 
[He  does  a  few  eccentric  dance  steps  without  releasing  his 
hold  on  PAMELA.] 

PAMELA 

Why,  your  Majesty,  how  strangely  you  act!  [Breaking 
away  from  him.] 

[45] 


The    Sultan    of  Sulu 

KI-RAM 

Pamela,  when  I  first  saw  you,  do  you  know,  I  was  not 
particularly  attracted  to  you.  But  now — now —  [He 
approaches  her  and  she  retreats.  He  pauses  and  reflects.] 
I  wonder  if  that  cocktail  had  anything  to  do  with  it. 

PAMELA 
Cocktail?     [Surprised  and  pained.] 

KI-RAM 

When  the  Colonel  took  me  aside  in  there  he  said  he  was 
going  to  make  me  acquainted  with  one  of  the  first  blessings 
of  civilization.  He  told  me  that  the  constitution  and  the 
cocktail  followed  the  flag.  Then  he  gave  me  an  amber- 
colored  beverage  with  a  roguish  little  cherry  nestling  at 
the  bottom.  And,  oh,  little  friend,  when  I  felt  that  de- 
licious liquid  trickle  down  the  corridors  of  my  inmost  being, 
all  the  incandescent  lights  were  turned  on  and  the  birds 
began  to  sing.  I  felt  myself  bursting  into  full  bloom,  like 
a  timid  little  flower  kissed  by  the  morning  sunlight.  So  I 
ordered  two  more. 

PAMELA 
Three  cocktails!     Oh! 

KI-RAM 

I've  had  three,  and  I  wish  I'd  made  it  thirty-three.  I 
believe  I'll  climb  a  tree.  You  pick  out  any  tree  around 
here  and  I'll  climb  it. 

[46] 


The    Sultan    of  Sulu 

[Unable  to  control  his  joyous  emotions,  he  begins  to 
run  around  in  a  circle  until  stopped  short  by 
PAMELA,  who  is  determined  to  be  severe  with  him. 

PAMELA 

Your  Majesty,  a  little  bit  of  advice!  Beware  of  the 
cocktail.  [She  sits  on  one  of  the  stools.] 

KI-RAM 

Beware  of  nothing!  I'm  going  to  drink  cocktails  all 
day  and  waltz  all  night.  I'm  going  to  be  so  civilized  that 
people  will  talk  about  me.  Pamela,  Pammy  [seats  him- 
self beside  her],  did  you  ever  think  you  would  like  to  live 
in  a  palace  and  have  Sultana  printed  on  your  visiting-cards  ? 
[GALULA  comes  on  and  begins  to  fan  from  behind. 

PAMELA 
Perhaps  I  have  had  my  little  ambition.     Who  hasn't? 

KI-RAM 

Well,  I  think  I  can  fix  it  for  you.  Of  course —  [He 
pauses,  full  of  suspicion.  To  PAMELA]  Do  you  feel  a 
draught?  [Turns  and  sees  GALULA.]  Oh-h!  Galula,  ac- 
cording to  the  Ladies'  Home  Journal,  it  is  not  considered 
good  form  for  a  wife  to  hang  around  when  her  husband 
is  proposing  marriage  to  another  lady.  [GALULA  exits, 
much  disheartened}  Sometimes  I  am  almost  sorry  I  mar- 
ried that  one. 

[47] 


The    Sultan    of  S^llu 

PAMELA 
[Aghast.]     Is  she  your  wife? 

KI-RAM 

You  don't  think  I  would  be  so  impolite  to  a  lady  who 
was  not  my  wife,  do  you? 

PAMELA 
And  she  is  your  wife? 

KI-RAM 
She's  one  of  them. 

PAMELA 

One  ! 

KI-RAM 
I  have  eight. 

PAMELA 
Right !     [Rising  and  shrinking  from  him.} 

KI-RAM 

Eight  or  nine,  I  forget  which;  I  have  them  coming  and 
going  all  the  time. 

PAMELA 

Eight  wives  already,  and  you — [he  arises  and  retreats] — 

[48] 


The    Sultan    of  Sulu 

you  dare  to  make  this  scandalous  proposition,  and  to  me — 
to  me! 

KI-RAM 
You  didn't  expect  to  have  me  all  to  yourself,  did  you? 

PAMELA 
Colonel!     Colonel!     [Calling.] 

KI-RAM 
Sh-h!     I'll  take  it  back— honestly,  I  will. 

PAMELA 
Colonel! 

KI-RAM 

Say,  what's  the  matter  with  you?    Can't  you  take  a  joke? 

[BuDD  comes  from  palace. 

BUDD 
My  dear  Miss  Jackson,  what  is  the  matter? 

KI-RAM 
Don't  believe  a  word  she  tells  you. 

PAMELA 

Colonel,  this  barbarian  has  had  the  monumental  effron- 
tery to  ask  me  to  join  his  harem. 
*  [49] 


The  Sultan    of  Sulu 

BUDD 

Wha-a-a-t ! 

KI-RAM 
It  was  your  fault — you  gave  it  to  me  with  a  cherry  in  it. 

PAMELA 

[To  KI-RAM.]  Silence!  [To  BUDD.]  I  know  that  at 
one  word  from  me  you  would  run  this  contemptible 
foreign  person  through  and  through.  But  I  do  not  ask 
it.  I  can  execute  my  own  revenge  for  this  hideous  insult. 
To-morrow  I  am  to  be  Judge- Advocate.  Then  shall  the 
law  deal  with  this  miscreant.  To-morrow — you — you — 
[PAMELA  enters  palace  greatly  agitated. 

BUDD 

Your  Majesty,  why — why  did  you  propose  marriage  to 
Miss  Jackson? 

KI-RAM 

Do  you  know — I'm  beginning  to  ask  myself  that  question. 

BUDD 
Didn't  I  tell  you,  sir,  that  /  intended  to  marry  her? 

KI-RAM 

That's  it !     I  knew  she  was  engaged  to  you,  and  therefore 
I  argued  that  she  could  not  possibly  marry  me,  so  I  would 

ts°] 


The   Sultan    of  Sulu 

not  be  taking  any  chances  in  proposing.     What  do  you 
suppose  she  is  going  to  do  to  me? 

BUDD 

I  suspect,  sir,  that  as  Judge- Advocate  she  is  going  to 
compel  you  to  give  up  those  eight  wives. 

KI-RAM 

[Much  pleased.]  I'm  going  to  get  rid  of  Galula  at  last! 
Colonel,  I  want  to  celebrate.  Let's  go  into  the  palace 
and  drink  three  more  of  those  things  that  follow  the 
flag. 

BUDD 

You  will  excuse  me  if  I  don't  refuse.  [They  start  tow- 
ards palace.  HENRIETTA  and  HARDY  stroll  on,  in  loving 
attitude;  BUDD  sees  them;  stands  on  steps  watching  them. 
KI-RAM  enters  palace.]  Henrietta,  once  more  I  must  re- 
mind you  that  you  are  the  daughter  of  a  military  hero 
who  expects  to  go  to  Congress.  Come. 

[HENRIETTA  starts  towards  him,  regretfully.  At  the 
palace  steps  she  turns  and  throws  a  kiss  to  HARDY 
and  exits  after  BUDD. 

HARDY 

By  George!  I  thought  this  being  engaged  would  prove  a 
lark.  It's  serious  business.  I  wonder  if  Henrietta  really 
loves  me.  If  I  but  knew. 


The   Sultan    of  S^llu 

[HARDY  enters  palace.  School-ma'ams  enter,  followed 
by  a  flock  of  wives,  natives,  and  soldiers. 

ALL 
Give  three  cheers  for  education — 

Hurrah !     Hurrah !     Hurrah ! 
Give  three  cheers  for  education — 

Hurrah !     Hurrah !     Hurrah ! 
A  tiger,  too,  for  education. 

How  we  love  our  teachers  dear! 
An  attractive  aggregation 

From  the  Western  Hemisphere. 
Give  three  cheers — 

Hurrah !     Hurrah !     Hurrah ! 

[PAMELA  comes  from  the  palace  and  stands  on  the 
top  step,  regarding  the  educational  movement  with 
a  smile  of  gratification. 

PAMELA 

I  am  glad  to  see  that  the  school  has  opened  with  so  much 
enthusiasm.  I  will  grant  a  short  recess,  as  I  have  some- 
thing of  great  importance  to  communicate  to  the  wives  of 
Ki-Ram. 

NATIVE  WOMEN  AND  SOLDIERS 

[Singing  as   they  march   away. 
Oh,  the  knowledge  we  are  gaining 
In  our  little  school! 


The  Sultan    of  Sulu 

Modern  methods  they're  explaining 

In  our  little  school! 
We  shall  learn,  from  day  to  day, 
What  to  do  and  what  to  say, 
In  the  truly  Newport  way, 

In  our  little  school! 

[PAMELA  beckons  the  wives  to  her. 

PAMELA 

I  have  good  news  for  you.  Ki-Ram  is  no  longer  your 
husband. 

WIVES 
No-o-o? 

PAMELA 

The  new  law  allows  a  man  but  one  wife.  You  shall  be 
divorced  to-morrow.  If  the  Governor  objects,  he  can  then 
be  imprisoned  for  bigamy — or,  rather,  octagamy.  If  he 
consents,  then  he  will  have  to  pay  alimony  to  allVf  you. 

MAURICIA 
What  is  alimony? 

PAMELA 

Pin-money,  my  child — plenty  of  it.  You  are  to  be  free 
and  have  plenty  of  spending-money.  That  is  usually  a 
novelty  for  a  married  woman.  By -the -way,  Didymos! 

[53] 


The   Sultan   of  Sulu 

Rastos!  [The  two  slaves  approach.]  You  are  slaves  no 
longer,  but  free  citizens  of  Sulu.  Serve  the  Governor,  if 
you  choose,  but  compel  him  to  pay  union  wages  and  tip 
you  liberally.  You  understand? 

[She  enters  palace. 

CHIQUITA 

To-morrow  we  shall  be  American  grass  -  widows.     Now 
for  the  soldiers. 

PEPITA 
We  must  be  careful. 

CHIQUITA 

Nonsense!     We  have  nothing  to  fear  from  these  gentle 
strangers  after  being  courted  by  Sulu  sweethearts. 


CHIQUITA  AND  WIVES,  DIDYMOS  AND  RASTOS 

.  * 

"MY    SULU    LULU    LOO" 

In  Sulu  once  there  lived  a  belle 
Whose  winning  ways  had  cast  a  spell 
Upon  a  chief  of  great  renown — 

He  was  smitten  sore. 
He  followed  her  both  night  and  day; 
He  tried  to  steal  this  girl  away; 

[54] 


The  Sultan    of  Sulu 

And  underneath  her  window  he 
Repeated  o'er  and  o'er: 

REFRAIN 

Lulu,  you're  my  Sulu  Lulu  Loo! 
Lulu,  do  take  pity  on  me,  do! 
I  want  no  one  else  but  you! 
Lulu,  you're  my  Sulu  Lulu  Loo! 

If  she  went  out  to  take  a  stroll, 

This  palpitating,  eager  soul 

Would  wave  his  snaky  knife  at  her, 

Saying,  "Fly  with  me!" 
In  jungle  deep  she  thought  to  hide, 
Since  she  could  not  become  his  bride, 
When  all  at  once  she  heard  this  song 

From  out  a  bamboo-tree: 

REFRAIN 
Lulu,  you're  my  Sulu  Lulu  Loo,  etc. 

[CHIQUITA,  DIDYMOS,  RASTOS,  and  wives  exeunt  with 
dance  as  Ki  -  RAM  enters  with  the  four  school- 
ma'ams.  He  has  two  on  each  side  and  is  making 
a  sincere  effort  to  embrace  all  four  at  the  same  time. 

Ki-RAM 
Why  not?     I    think  you   might  —  to   oblige   a  friend. 

[55] 


The   Sultan    of  Sulu 

Young  ladies,  I  have  only  eight.  I  need  some  blondes  to 
help  out  the  color  scheme.  I've  fallen  into  the  habit  of 
marrying  nearly  all  of  the  ladies  I  meet. 

A  SCHOOL-MA'AM 

We  didn't  come  over  here  to  marry.     We  are  interested 
in  education. 

KI-RAM 

Married  life  is  an  education. 

[A  blare  of  trumpets.  BUDD,  HADJI,  DINGBAT, 
DIDYMOS,  and  RASTOS  come  from  palace.  The 
natives  kneel,  and  one  of  the  slaves  advances  tow- 
ards KI-RAM  a  silken  pillow  on  which  is  a  shaggy 
silk  hat  of  the  kind  seen  at  State  conventions.  KI- 
RAM  is  mystified.  He  looks  at  the  hat. 

KI-RAM 
What's  that? 

BUDD 
The  insignia  of  your  new  office. 

KI-RAM 

[Picking  it  up  to  examine  it.]     My!    My!   What  is  it — 
animal,  vegetable,  or  mineral? 

BUDD 

It  is  called  a  hat.    This  is  the  kind  worn  by  all  Governors. 

[56] 


The   Sultan    of  Sulu 

KI-RAM 

With  the  fur  rubbed  the  wrong  way? 

BUDD 

A  true  statesman  invariably  has  the  fur  rubbed  the 
wrong  way. 

HADJI 

[Announcing.]     They    are    coming    for   the    inaugura- 
tion. 

BUDD 
[To  KI-RAM.]     Did  you  hear  that  ?     Get  ready. 

KI-RAM 

Colonel,    there    is    only    one   thing   that    will    get   me 
ready. 

BUDD 

And  what  is  that? 

KI-RAM 
You  know — it  has  a  cherry  in  it. 

[They  hurriedly  enter  palace.  Volunteers,  marines, 
fij 'e  -  and  -  drum  corps,  wives,  natives,  and  various 
members  of  the  American  party  enter  from  right 
and  left  and  mass  in  front  of  the  palace. 

[57] 


The    Sultan    of   Sulu 

CHORUS 
CHORUS    TO    THE    GOVERNOR 

Ki-Ram,  the  new-made  chief! 

Our  ruler  democratic, 
From  recent  state  of  grief, 

Transferred  to  bliss  ecstatic. 
Forgetful  of  his  scare 

And  its  attendant  pallor,  he 
Accepts  this  job,  so  fair — 

Also  the  salaree! 

[BUDD  comes  from  palace  and  takes  his  place  in  front 
of  the  soldiers.  Ki-RAM  comes  to  the  palace  steps, 
proudly  exhibiting  the  hat. 

KI-RAM 

No  crown  for  me  of  ordinary  gold; 
A  Governor  I'm  to  be,  and  I've  been  told 
That  this,  which  the  Colonel  calls  a  hat, 
Is  the  proper  gear  for  a  democrat. 

BUDD 

'Tis  emblematic,  chaste,  and  pat, 
He's  proud  to  wear  a  hat  like  that. 

[Ki-RAM  comes  down  and  faces  the  assemblage.  He 
puts  on  the  hat,  which  falls  over  his  ears. 

[58] 


The   Sultan    of  Sulu 

KI-RAM 
[Recitative.]     How  do  I  look? 

ALL 

Glorious !     Wonderful ! 

What  do  you  think  of  that? 
Could  anything  excel 

The  simple  beauty  of  a  hat? 

[The  boom  of  a  cannon  is  heard.  A  sergeant  lowers 
the  Sulu  flag  from  the  tall  pole  in  front  of  the  palace. 

HARDY 

Let  all  at  strict  attention  stand, 

The  blessed  moment's  nigh, 
When  o'er  this  liberated  land 

The  stars  and  stripes  shall  fly. 

[Another  gun  salute.  The  stars  and  stripes  break 
from  the  top  of  the  flag-staff  to  the  music  of  "The 
Star -Spangled  Banner."  A  roll  of  drums,  and 
HENRIETTA  enters  and  comes  down  front. 

HENRIETTA 

If  I  would  be  a  soldier's  bride, 
I  must  not  grieve,  whate'er  betide, 
But  laugh  the  tear-drops  from  my  eye, 
And  cheerily  wave  the  last  good-bye. 

[59] 


The   Sultan    of  Sulu 

And  every  girl  who's  left  behind 

Civilian  love  will  spurn; 
For  never  a  one  will  change  her  mind 

Till  the  Volunteers  return. 

ALL 
March,  march,  hearts  are  light, 

Step  with  jaunty  pride 
To  the  fight!     To  the  fight! 

Where  each  may  win  a  bride. 
For  they  know  the  girls  they're  leaving  behind 

All  civilian  love  will  spurn, 
And  never  a  one  will  change  her  mind 

Till  the  Volunteers  return. 

[During  this  chorus  Ki-RAM,  on  the  palace  steps,  con- 
sumes many  cocktails  brought  to  him  by  DIDYMOS 
and  RASTOS.  At  conclusion  of  the  chorus  all  turn 
and  salute  the  flag. 

CURTAIN 


ACT     II 


SCENE. — The  hanging  garden  of  the  palace.  A  half  -  open 
apartment.  The  architecture  is  gorgeous  and  Oriental. 
Free  entrances  up  stage  at  right  (the  left,  as  one  faces 
the  stage),  and  also  down  stage  at  right,  are  supposed 
to  lead  to  outer  stairways.  Up  stage  at  left  is  a  boxed- 
in  stairway  leading  down  to  Ki  -  RAM'S  sleeping  apart- 
ment. At  left,  and  down  stage  (that  is,  towards  the 
footlights),  is  a  broad  stairway  leading  to  the  second 
floor  of  the  palace.  Beyond  the  fanciful  turrets  and 
minarets  may  be  seen  the  tropical  vegetation,  and  beyond 
that  the  placid  sea.  At  the  rise  of  the  curtain,  native 
men  and  women  are  gathered  on  the  stage  singing  a 
restful  lullaby  to  GOVERNOR  KI-RAM,  who  is  over- 
sleeping himself  in  the  apartment  below. 

LULLABY    CHORUS 

Slumber!     Slumber! 
Forgetting,  while  you  sleep, 
Small  and  great  affairs  of  state 
While  we  our  vigil  keep. 

Slumber  on!     No  cares  encumber 
One  who's  lost  in  peaceful  slumber. 
[61] 


The  Sultan    of  Sulu 

Slumber!     Slumber! 
Forgetting,  while  you  sleep, 
Small  and  great  affairs  of  state 
While  we  our  vigil  keep. 

[They  withdraw  quietly,  still  singing  softly,  and  Ki- 
RAM  comes  from  below.  He  wears  a  suit  of 
pajamas  of  exaggerated  pattern.  His  head  is  wrap- 
ped in  a  large  towel.  He  carries  in  one  hand  a 
water  pitcher  and  in  the  other  the  silk  hat  presented 
by  the  government  at  Washington.  He  moves  slowly 
and  dejectedly,  and  the  expression  on  his  face  is 
one  of  extreme  misery.  He  squats  and  removes  the 
towel  from  his  head,  dips  it  into  the  ice-water,  and 
holds  it  against  his  throbbing  brow.  Presently  he 
lowers  it  with  a  heaving  sigh,  and  discovers  several 
specimens  of  the  insect  creation  moving  about  on 
his  person  and  disporting  in  his  immediate  vicin- 
ity. He  battles  with  them  for  several  moments, 
and  then  breaks  into  doleful  song. 

KI-RAM 
«•  R— E— M— O— R— S— E  " 

The  cocktail  is  a  pleasant  drink; 
It's  mild  and  harmless — I  don't  think. 
When  you've  had  one,  you  call  for  two, 
And  then  you  don't  care  what  you  do. 


The   Sultan    of  Sulu 

Last  night  I  hoisted  twenty-three 

Of  those  arrangements  into  me. 

My  wealth  increased,  I  swelled  with  pride, 

I  was  pickled,  primed,  and  ossified; 

But  R— E— M— O— R— S— E! 

The  water  wagon  is  the  place  for  me. 

I  think  that  somewhere  in  the  game 

I  wept  and  told  my  real  name. 

At  four  I  sought  my  whirling  bed; 

At  eight  I  woke  with  such  a  head! 

It  is  no  time  for  mirth  and  laughter, 

The  cold,  gray  dawn  of  the  morning  after. 


I  wanted  to  pay  for  ev'ry  round; 

I  talked  on  subjects  most  profound; 

When  all  my  woes  I  analyzed, 

The  barkeep  softly  sympathized. 

The  world  was  one  kaleidoscope 

Of  purple  bliss,  transcendent  hope. 

But  now  I'm  feeling  mighty  blue — 

Three  cheers  for  the  W.  C.  T.  U! 

R— E— M— O— R— S— E ! 

Those  dry  Martinis  did  the  work  for  me; 

Last  night  at  twelve  I  felt  immense, 

To-day  I  feel  like  thirty  cents. 

My  eyes  are  bleared,  my  coppers  hot, 

I'll  try  to  eat,  but  I  cannot. 


The    Sultan    of  Sulu 

It  is  no  time  for  mirth  and  laughter, 
The  cold,  gray  dawn  of  the  morning  after. 

[JoNES  appears  on  the  landing  up  stage  and  looks  at 
the  suffering  executive,  then  comes  towards  him 

JONES 

Governor,  this  isn't  right.  Remember,  I've  insured  your 
life  for  fifty  thousand  pesos. 

KI-RAM 

Jones,  civilization  may  be  all  right,  but  I  took  too  large 
a  dose  right  at  the  start.  And  you  know  that  hat?  [He 
puts  it  on.  It  is  many  sizes  too  small.]  The  constitution, 
the  cocktail,  and  the  katzen jammer  follow  the  flag. 

JONES 

A  bit  of  advice.  If  you  had  too  many  cocktails  last 
evening,  take  one  or  two  this  morning. 

[He  gives  a  signal.     DIDYMOS  and  RASTOS,  smartly 
attired  as  waiters,  come  on  and  await  orders. 

KI-RAM 

The  American  practice? 

JONES 
It  is — especially  among  politicians. 

[DIDYMOS    and   RASTOS    do   an   impertinent   break- 


The    Sultan   of  Sulu 

down,  and  crowd  upon  Ki-RAM,  who  indignantly 
resents  their  familiarity.     JONES  restrains  him. 

JONES 

Governor,  be  careful.  You  are  now  an  office-holder. 
This  is  the  president  and  vice-president  of  the  waiters' 
union.  You  can't  afford  to  antagonize  the  colored  vote. 
I'll  attend  to  them.  [Goes  over  to  DIDYMOS  and  RASTOS 
and  bows  humbly.}  Gentlemen,  if  you  will  be  good  enough 
to  prepare  for  us  a  few  pick-me-ups  we  shall  esteem  it  a 
personal  favor  and  remember  you  with  the  usual  piece 
of  silver.  [They  break  and  exeunt}  Governor,  I  am  here  to 
announce  the  first  review  of  the  imperial  troops. 

KI-RAM 
The  imperial  troops? 

JONES 

They  landed  here  yesterday  as  soldiers  of  a  simple  re- 
public. To-day  they  are  soldiers  of  the  new  empire.  As 
such  they  have  assumed  an  imperial  splendor. 

KI-RAM 
I  suppose  you  provided  the  uniforms? 

JONES 

I  did.  By- the- way  [taking  paper  from  pocket},  a  few  ar- 
ticles selected  by  your  wives. 

5  [6S] 


The    Sultan    of  Sulu 

KI-RAM 
[Taking  the  paper.]     What's  this? 

JONES 
The  bill. 

KI-RAM 

[Reading.]  Eight  morning  gowns,  eight  afternoon  gowns, 
eight  evening  gowns,  eight  night — eight  suits  of  silk  pa- 
jamas—  Look  here,  sir.  This  is  a  terrible  thing  to  bring 
around  before  breakfast.  [With  increasing  dismay]  Eight 
diamond  tararums,  eight  automobiles,  eight  picture-hats, 
eight  straight-fronts,  eight  habit-backs,  eight  rats —  Rats ! 
What  can  they  do  with  rats? 

[HARDY  enters  at  right. 

JONES 
I'll  explain.     A  rat — 

KI-RAM 

You  needn't  explain,  I've  been  seeing  them  all  morning 
— blue  ones  with  acetylene  eyes. 

HARDY 

[Saluting}  Governor!  [They  turn.}  Governor,  the  Im- 
perial Guards  are  approaching. 

KI-RAM 

Oh,  very  well.  Jones  and  I  are  going  into  the  life- 
saving  station  for  a  few  moments. 

[66] 


The    Sultan    of  Sulu 

[Ki-RAM  and  JONES  go  into  ike  palace  as  wives  and 
other  natives  come  flocking  on,  cheering  for  the 
Imperial  Guards,  who  march  in  from  the  right, 
under  command  of  COLONEL  JEFFERSON  BUDD, 
and  escorted  by  the  fif e  -  and  -  drum  corps  and  the 
school-ma'ams.  The  Imperial  Guards  wear  elab- 
orate and  costly  uniforms  of  white  and  gold,  with 
top-boots,  plumes,  and  helmets.  The  COLONEL'S 
uniform  is  especially  magnificent. 

SONG    OF    THE    IMPERIAL    GUARDS 

We   are  troops   of  the  twentieth   century   kind, 

With  our  gaudy  colors  brightly  flashing; 
The  pride  and  the  joy  of  our  native  land — 

For  the  records  we  are  smashing. 
Our  former  isolation  makes  us  smile,  sir, 

We've  learned  to  sing  a  different  tune, 
It  may  keep  us  busy  for  a  while,  sir, 

But  we  shall  come  to  like  it  soon — 
We'll  come  to  like  it  soon! 
We'll  come  to  like  it  soon! 

BUDD 

Imperial  Guards!  This  is  a  proud  day  for  all  of  us.  I 
have  wanted  to  wear  this  kind  of  uniform  ever  since  I  was 
a  boy  in  Arkansaw  and  felt  my  pulse  leap  at  the  stirring 
measures  of  the  grand  old  "Jay-Bird." 


The    Sultan    of  Sulu 

BUDD  AND  CHORUS 
"JAY-BIRD" 

BUDD 

When  I  was  a  boy  in  Arkansaw, 
I  worked  in  a  hat  and  cap  emporium. 

REFRAIN 

Umpalorium !     Umpalorium ! 
Hat  and  cap  emporium! 

BUDD 

After  that  I  studied  law, 

But  I  longed  for  a  soldier's  life, 

And  my  heart  would  bound 

At  the  martial  sound 

Of  the  drum  and  the  piercing  fife. 

Hark  to  the  strains,  so  clear  and  loud! 

Along  the  street  a  cheering  crowd; 

The  sweetest  music  ever  heard — 

The  thump  and  tootle  of  the  old  "Jay-Bird." 

REFRAIN 
Hark  to  the  strains,  etc. 

BUDD 

I've  heard  the  Nibelungenlied, 
And  all  the  gems  of  Cavalleria. 

[68] 


Sultan    of  Sulu 


REFRAIN 

Cavalleria  !     Cavalleria  ! 
Gems  of  Cavalleria! 

BUDD 

They're  rather  tuneful,  I'll  concede, 

But,  to  swell  a  colonel's  chest, 
They  will  not  compare  with  the  swinging  air 

That  I  always  have  loved  the  best. 

REFRAIN 
Hark  to  the  strains,  etc. 

[At  conclusion  of  the  song  the  Imperial  Guards  break 
ranks  and  hurry  to  the  wives  and  native  women, 
with  whom  they  are  becoming  well  acquainted,  this 
being  their  second  day  on  the  island. 

BUDD 

Make  ready  to  receive  his  Excellency. 

[All  move  into  lines,  facing  the  broad  stairway  at 
left.  A  roll  of  drums.  DIDYMOS  and  RASTOS 
come  down  stairway  and  salaam  to  the  left.  HADJI, 
at  the  top  of  the  steps,  announces  the  approach  of 
the  executive. 

HADJI 
The  Governor! 


The    Sultan    of  Sulu 

[Ki-RAM,  in  a  gaudy  native  costume,  comes  down  the 
steps  very  nimbly  and  acknowledges  the  deferential 
salute. 

KI-RAM 

Good-morning,  troops!  [Sees  BUDD  and  is  staggered  by 
the  glory  of  his  apparel.  In  the  mean  time  PAMELA,  wearing 
a  Portia  cap  and  gown,  and  very  much  on  her  official  dignity, 
has  entered  from  the  right.  KI-RAM  addresses  BUDD.]  My! 
My!  Colonel,  you  are  without  doubt  the  handsomest 
man  I — 

[PAMELA  interrupts. 

PAMELA 
Governor  Ki-Ram! 

KI-RAM 

Oh-h!  Here  she  is  again.  I  don't  believe  I'm  going  to 
like  her  very  well. 

PAMELA 
I  have  granted  divorces  to  seven  of  your  wives. 

KI-RAM 
Oh,  very  well! 

PAMELA 

The  court  holds  that  you  may  keep  one. 

[70] 


The   Sultan   of  Sulu 

KI-RAM 

One!  Oh,  say,  Judge,  let  me  keep  two;  now,  don't  be 
stingy.  Let  me  keep  two  little  ones  instead  of  one  big  one. 

PAMELA 
You  heard  the  law — one. 

KI-RAM 

Much  obliged.  I  suppose  I  can  keep  house  with  only 
one.  It  has  been  done. 

PAMELA 

I  suggest  that  you  select  that  unhappy  creature  who 
is  to  remain  under  your  roof.  Am  I  right,  Colonel? 

BUDD 
Quite  right,  Judge. 

[BUDD  and  PAMELA  exeunt  to  the  right. 

KI-RAM 

[Calling  after  her.]  You  have  a  pleasant  way  of  putting 
it.  [He  turns  to  the  wives,  who  are  hobnobbing  with  the 
soldiers.]  Mrs.  Ki-Ram,  step  forward.  [The  wives  leave 
the  soldiers  and  stand  in  a  row,  looking  at  him  with  saucy 
indifference.  He  is  serious]  Ladies,  you  are  about  to 
lose  a  good  thing.  [They  burst  into  laughter  and  return 
to  the  soldiers]  I  am  glad  to  see  that  you  bear  up  under 
the  grief.  Now  for  the  sad  farewell.  Which  one  shall 


The    Sultan    of  Sulu 

I  keep?  [HENRIETTA  appears  on  the  landing  up  stage. 
She  wears  a  most  fetching  summer  gown  and  a  sweepy  hat. 
She  carries  an  arm-load  of  fresh  flowers.  KI-RAM  gazes  at 
her  in  speechless  admiration  and  is  struck  by  a  sudden  in- 
spiration.} The  American  girl !  Why  not?  [To  the  wives} 
I've  made  up  my  mind.  I'll  not  keep  any  of  you.  Ladies, 
you  are  free.  [They  rush  to  the  arms  of  the  soldiers,  with 
exclamations  of  delight}  Leave  your  keys  at  the  office  as 
you  pass  out.  [Then  Ki-RAM  approaches  HENRIETTA,  who 
has  sauntered  down  stage.  He  leans  over  her  shoulder  and 
addresses  her  -flirtatiously}  Linger  here  after  the  others 
go;  I  have  something  to  tell  you.  [To  the  others}  Ladies 
and  gentlemen,  I  shall  not  detain  you  longer.  [All  except 
KI-RAM  and  HENRIETTA  romp  away,  the  soldiers  and  native 
women  paired  off.  HENRIETTA  seats  herself  on  a  low  stool 
and  calmly  awaits  developments.  Ki-RAM  approaches  her, 
beaming  and  struggling  with  pent-up  emotion}  In  the  ex- 
citement of  being  inaugurated  and  granting  all  those  di- 
vorces, I  fear  that  I  have  overlooked  you — darling! 

HENRIETTA 
Darling?     Isn't  this  rather  sudden? 

KI-RAM 
Not  for  me. 

HENRIETTA 

Before  you  go  too  far,  I  want  to  give  you  warning.     As 

[72] 


The   Sultan    of  Sulu 

you  are  a  titled  foreigner,  you  have  a  right  to  know  it.     I 
am  an  American  girl,  but  not  an  heiress. 

KI-RAM 
Henrietta,  you  wrong  me.     I  am  Sulu,  not  English. 

HENRIETTA 
Very  well,  go  ahead. 

KI-RAM 

Henrietta,  it  appears  that  I  am  entitled  to  only  one  wife. 
Having  been  married  to  sixty-odd  already,  I  feel  that  I  can 
justly  claim  to  be  a  connoisseur.  It  may  flatter  you  to 
learn  that  you  suit  me.  You  are  my  first  choice,  and  there 
is  no  second.  You  are  it.  Oh,  Henrietta!  Oh,  Henry — 
Henny — Hen !  I  love  you  with  an  equatorial  passion  that 
no  thermometer  can  register. 

[He  falls  on  his  knees  and  attempts  to  embrace  her. 
She  breaks  away  from  him. 

HENRIETTA 
But  I  am  more  or  less  engaged  already. 

KI-RAM 

Which — more  or  less? 

HENRIETTA 
I  mean  that  I  am  engaged — in  a  sort  of  way. 

[73] 


The   Sultan    of  Sulu 

KI-RAM 

What  you  mean  to  say  is  that  you're  engaged,  but  you're 
not  sure  that  it's  going  to  take. 

HENRIETTA 

That's  it. 

KI-RAM 

Oh,  Henrietta,  I  don't  know  who  the  other  fellow  is, 
but  his  love  is  a  cheap  rhinestone  imitation  compared  to 
mine. 

KI-RAM  AND  OTHERS 
"SINCE    I    FIRST    MET    YOU" 

KI-RAM 
[Singing  to  HENRIETTA] 

I  am  a  dashing,  gay  Lothario; 
I've  a  reputation  as  a  gallant  beau; 
Courting  pretty  girls  is  a  habit  hard  to  break; 
I'm  a  bold  coquette  and  rather  reckless  rake. 
I've  told  my  love  to  many  a  girl, 

But  never  a  word  was  true, 
For  my  passion  intense,  it  was  a  mere  pretence 

Until  I  encountered  you. 

REFRAIN 

Since  I  first  met  you, 
Since  I  first  met  you, 

[74] 


"SINCE    I    FIRST    MET    YOU  " 

Mr.  Moulan  as  KI-RAM  and  Miss  Berri  as  HENRIETTA  BUDD 


The  Sultan    of  Sulu 

The  open  sky  above  me  seems  a  deeper  blue; 

Golden,  rippling  sunshine  warms  me  through  and  through, 

Each  flower  has  a  new  perfume, 

Since  I  met  you! 

I've  been  courting  many,  many  times; 

In  the  most  exclusive  circles  I'm  a  pet — 
Writing  little  notes  and  inditing  tender  rhymes 

To  the  maids  of  every  station  that  I've  met. 
I've  sworn  that  each  was  my  first  love, 

But  never  a  word  was  true, 
For  I  never  knew  bliss  of  a  kind  like  this 

Until  I  encountered  you. 

REFRAIN 

Since  I  first  met  you, 

Since  I  first  met  you, 

The  open  sky  above  me  seems  a  deeper  blue; 
Golden,  rippling  sunshine  warms  me  through  and  through, 

Each  flower  has  a  new  perfume, 

Since  I  met  you! 

[As  he  starts  to  repeat  the  refrain,  HARDY  is  heard 
singing  it  outside.  HARDY  saunters  on  and  HEN- 
RIETTA hurries  to  him.  The  two  look  into  each 
other's  eyes  and  sing  the  refrain  with  much  feeling, 
while  Ki-RAM  looks  on,  crushed.  As  they  con- 
clude, the  same  refrain  is  heard  off  at  the  left,  and 

[75] 


The   Sultan    of  Sulu 

JONES  comes  down  ike  stairway,  singing  to  CHI- 
QUITA.  While  Ki  -  RAM  is  staring  at  them  and 
trying  to  comprehend  this  new  outcropping  of  the 
American  invasion,  BUDD  and  PAMELA  come  on 
from  right  and  join  in  the  tender  refrain.  After 
which,  various  wives  and  soldiers  appear  as  loving 
couples,  and  "Since  I  first  met  you"  becomes  a 
general  chorus  of  love-making,  the  climax  of  which 
is  reached  when  HADJI  brings  GALULA  on.  All  the 
others  stroll  away,  still  singing  the  refrain,  and 
Ki-RAM  is  left  alone,  bewildered  and  dismayed. 
He  can  think  of  but  one  relief  for  the  painful 
situation. 

KI-RAM 

To  the  life-saving  station! 

[Starts  to  exit  left,  when  PAMELA,  entering  from  right, 
calls  to  him. 

PAMELA 
Aha!     Viper!     There  you  are! 

KI-RAM 
Viper?     She  is  referring  to  me. 

PAMELA 

You  have  exceeded  your  authority.    You  cannot  divorce 
all  of  your  wives.     You  must  keep  one. 

[76] 


The   Sultan    of  Sulu 

KI-RAM 

[A  horrible  suspicion  dawning  upon  him.}     Which  one? 

PAMELA 

The  one  you  married  first  of  all — Galula!  [Ki-RAM 
emits  a  groan  of  mortal  agony}  She  is  a  good  soul. 

[HADJI  enters,  carrying  a  volume  of  Arkansaw  law. 

KI-RAM 
Judge,  I  sometimes  think  she  is  too  good  to  be  true. 

PAMELA 

Now,  then,  in  regard  to  the  alimony.  Private  Secretary, 
read  the  section. 

HADJI 
Judge,  I  hate  to  read  it  to  him — he  has  a  weak  heart. 

PAMELA 
Go  ahead! 

HADJI 

Well,  here  it  is.  [Reads]  "When  a  divorce  is  granted, 
the  wife  is  entitled  to  alimony  equivalent  to  one-half  of 
the  income  of  the  husband." 

KI-RAM 
[Stunned.]     I  don't  understand. 

[77] 


The  Sultan    of  Sulu 

PAMELA 

It  means  that  each  of  your  eight  wives  is  entitled  to  one- 
half  of  your  total  income. 

KI-RAM 
Eight  wives!     Each  entitled  to  one-half — one-hof? 

PAMELA 
You  heard  the  law. 

KI-RAM 
I  don't  believe  I  can  manage  it. 

PAMELA 

I'm  sure  you  can't,  and  that  is  why  I  expect  to  have  the 
pleasure  of  committing  you  to  jail. 

KI-RAM 

What  are  you  talking  about?  The  brother  of  the  sun 
and  cousin  to  the  moon  locked  up  in  a  common  jail?  Ho! 
I  laugh — not  boisterously,  it  is  true,  but  still  I  laugh!  Ha! 

Ha! 

PAMELA 

Private  Secretary,  read  the  second  section. 

HADJI 

[Reading]  "Take  the  whites  of  six  eggs,  beat  to  a  froth, 
and  add  powdered  sugar — " 

[78] 


I 


The   Sultan   of  Sulu 

KI-RAM 
Hold  on!     What's  that? 

HADJI 

That's  not  right.  Judge,  you  have  been  filing  your 
recipes  in  here.  Here  it  is.  [Reads]  "If  a  husband  fails 
to  pay  alimony  at  the  time  and  place  designated  by  the 
court,  he  may  be  committed  to  the  county  jail — to  the 
county  jail." 

KI-RAM 
I  heard  you  the  first  time. 

PAMELA 

At  five  o'clock,  Ki-Ram,  you  pay  four  times  your  income 
for  this  month  or  to  jail  you  go.  This  is  my  revenge  for 
the  insult  of  yesterday. 

KI-RAM 
Well,  there's  nothing  the  matter  with  it. 

PAMELA 
At  five  o'clock! 

[She  flaunts  out,  leaving  GOVERNOR  KI-RAM  staring 
blankly  into  space. 

KI-RAM 
Isn't  she  the  hasty  Helen?     [Looking  after  her.]     You 

[79] 


The   Sultan    of  Sulu 

can  make  it  six  o'clock  if  you  like.  The  prison  doors 
stand  open  invitingly,  and  over  them  is  an  evergreen  motto 
reading  as  follows:  "Welcome,  little  stranger." 

HADJI 
It's  the  law,  Governor. 

KI-RAM 
How  can  a  man  pay  out  four  times  his  income? 

HADJI 
It  will  be  a  difficult  matter. 

KI-RAM 

Difficult!  Say  my  income  is  ten  thousand  pesos  a 
month.  Each  wife  is  entitled  to  one-half  of  that,  or 
five  thousand  pesos.  Eight  wives — forty  thousand  pesos. 
In  order  to  keep  out  of  jail  I  must  raise  forty  thousand 
pesos. 

HADJI 

That's  right. 

KI-RAM 

But  look  here.  The  moment  I  increase  my  income  to 
forty  thousand  pesos,  each  wife  is  entitled  to  twenty 
thousand.  Eight  wives,  one  hundred  and  sixty  thousand 
pesos.  If  by  any  miracle  of  finance  I  could  get  hold  of 


The  Sultan    of  Sulu 

that  much  money,  then  each  of  the  eight  would  be  entitled 
to  eighty  thousand.  Eight  times  eight  is  eighty-eight — 
eight  times  eighty  -  eight  is  eight  hundred  and  eighty- 
eight  thousand,  and—  Oh,  what's  the  use!  I'm  broke! 
And  the  more  money  I  get  the  worse  I'm  broke.  [Col- 
lapses.] 

HADJI 
You'll  have  to  decrease  your  income. 

KI-RAM 

Even  if  I  do  decrease  it,  I  am  still  required  to  pay  four 
times  as  much  as  I  can  possibly  get.  Oh,  Hadji,  why  did 
I  ever  hook  up  with  that  Ladies'  Glee  Club?  I  wish  the 
Datto  Mandi  had  them  back  again — the  whole  seven. 

HADJI 

Your  Excellency,  that  is  the  solution  of  the  whole 
problem. 

KI-RAM 
What  is? 

HADJI 

The  Datto  Mandi.  He  is  still  encamped  outside  the  city. 
Why  not  permit^him  to  come  in  and  recapture  them  ?  If 
they  disappear,  then  you  can't  be  required  to  pay  alimony 
to  them. 

6  8l 


The    Sultan    of  Sulu 

KI-RAM 

[A  great  light  breaking  in  upon  him.]  Hadji ,  you  have  been 
drawing  salary  for  seven  years  and  this  is  the  first  minute 
you  earned  it.  As  Governor,  I  send  that  dazzling  array 
of  Imperial  Guards  over  to  the  north  wall  to  repulse  an 
imaginary  attack.  Then  the  Datto  Mandi  can  come  in  by 
the  south  gate  and  capture  his  nieces.  Now,  then,  some 
one  must  get  through  the  lines  with  a  message  to  Mandi. 
Do  you  happen  to  know  of  a  good,  trustworthy  man  who 
fears  no  danger? 

HADJI 

Send  Mr.  Jones. 

KI-RAM 

No,  we  must  have  a  brave  man — an  intrepid  character, 
a —  Hold  on!  I  know  the  man. 

HADJI 
You  do? 

KI-RAM 

Yes!  He's  a  short,  stout,  thick  man,  with  bushy  eye- 
brows, and  he  wears  a  yellow  raglan. 

HADJI 

I  don't  believe  I  know  him. 

*» 

KI-RAM 
It's  you. 


The    Sultan    of  Sulu 

HADJI 


Me! 


KI-RAM 

Don't  say  "me" — say  "I."  Be  grammatical,  even  if 
you  are  scared. 

[HADJI  exits  at  left  as  BUDD  and  PAMELA  come  on  from 
right,  engaged  in  a  business-like  conversation. 

PAMELA 

If  he  fails  to  pay,  Colonel,  I  shall  expect  the  military  to 
see  that  he  is  incarcerated. 

KI-RAM 

[Aside.]  Somebody  is  talking  about  me.  I  can  feel  my 
left  ear  burn. 

BUDD 

The  military  will  do  its  duty,  Judge  Jackson. 

KI-RAM 

[Addressing  them  defiantly]  Don't  you  folks  worry  about 
me.  I'll  come  out  all  right.  I'm  not  the  only  man  in  the 
world  that  owes  four  times  his  income.  But,  Colonel,  I 
have  a  feeling — 

BUDD 
Yes? 

[83] 


The   Sultan    of  Sulu 

KI-RAM 

That  I  loved  not  wisely,  but  too  often. 

[He  goes  into  the  palace.  BUDD  gazes  at  PAMELA 
and  evinces  all  the  sentimental  longing  compatible 
with  his  dignity. 

BUDD 
Pamela!     Pamela! 

PAMELA 
Judge,  if  you  please. 

BUDD 
I  was  hoping  to  make  this  a  love  scene 

PAMELA 

If  you  wish  to  make  love  to  me,  come  around  after  busi- 
ness hours. 

[She  exits  to  right,  haughtily,  leaving  BUDD  rather 
ruffled. 

BUDD 

Very  well,  madam,  if  I  find,  after  business  hours,  that  I 
am  still  in  love  with  you,  you  may  expect  me.  [He  starts 
away  and  encounters  CHI  QUIT  A,  who  has  tripped  in,  carrying 
a  large  cocoanut,  with  the  original  husk  still  intact.  She 
holds  it  towards  BUDD,  who  looks  at  it  and  is  puzzled.]  For 
me? 

[84] 


The    Sultan    of  Sulu 

CHIQUITA 
For  you,  mighty  warrior. 

BUDD 

What  is  it? 

CHIQUITA 

A  cocoanut — the  first  of  the  season.  I  want  you  to  wear 
it  next  your  heart. 

BUDD 

Next  my  heart?  How  romantic!  Arise,  Chiquita;  now 
that  you  have  been  adopted  by  the  administration  at 
Washington,  you  must  kneel  to  no  one  —  not  even  to 
me. 

[He  puts  his  arm  around  CHIQUITA  in  a  fatherly  dem- 
onstration of  affection.  HARDY  and  HENRIETTA 
come  on  from  right  and  catch  the  picture. 

HARDY  AND  HENRIETTA 
Oh!     Oh! 

BUDD 

[Intensely  annoyed}  Why  do  you  interrupt  us  just  as 
she  was  becoming  assimilated? 

HENRIETTA 
Father,  your  blessing. 

[85] 


The    Sultan   of  Sulu 

BUDD 

Why  a  blessing? 

HARDY 
We  are  engaged. 

BUDD 
What!     Again? 

HENRIETTA 

Father,  don't  be  unreasonable.  You  know  I'm  not 
happy  unless  I'm  engaged  to  some  one. 

BUDD 

[Striking  an  oratorical  pose.]  Fifteen  years  ago,  when 
your  sainted  mother  was  alive,  I  promised  her  that  I 
would  watch  over  you — 

[HENRIETTA  puts  her  hand  on  his  arm. 

HENRIETTA 
Father,  wake  up! 

BUDD 
Well,  what  is  it? 

HENRIETTA 

If  you  object,  say  so,  but  please  don't  make  a 
speech. 

[86] 


The  Sultan    of  Sulu 

BUDD 

I  do  object.  [To  HARDY]  Young  man,  why  do  you 
aspire  to  become  the  son-in-law  of  one  who,  when  the  call 
of  duty  sounded — 

HARDY 
Good-day,  Colonel.  [Exits,  right. 

BUDD 
Humph!     Au  revoir,  Chiquita.     Come,  Henrietta. 

[He  departs  with  his  daughter,  leaving  CHIQUITA 
disconsolate.  Ki-RAM  comes  from  left  and  sees 
her. 

KI-RAM 

Ah,  Chiquita,  wife  that  was!  [Embraces  her.]  Let's  pre- 
tend we  were  never  married.  [She  moves  away  from  him, 
and  he  sings  with  feeling:] 

Since  I  first  met  you, 

Since  I  first  met  you, 

My  whole  existence  seems  to  be  a  deeper  blue; 
This  assimilation  process  pains  me  through  and  through, 

For  I've  been  up  against  it  hard — 

Since  I  met  you. 

Chiquita,  you  and  your  innocent  sisters  are  not  safe 
here.  There  are  too  many  things  following  the  flag. 

[87] 


The    Sultan   of  Sulu 

CHIQUITA 
"They  never  proceed  to  follow  the  flag,  but  always 

follow  me." 

KI-RAM 

From  "Tannhauser,"  I  believe.  Exactly  what  I  mean. 
Why  not  go  back  to  Parang? 

CHIQUITA 
And  leave  the  dear  Colonel? 

KI-RAM 
Take  the  dear  Colonel  with  you — and  Galula. 

CHIQUITA 

Even  with  Galula  on  your  hands,  you  advise  other 
people  to  marry? 

KI-RAM 

I'll  tell  you — after  a  man  has  been  initiated,  his  only 
fun  in  life  is  to  see  somebody  else  get  it.  As  for  me,  I 
am  an  expert  on  matrimony.  I've  made  a  study  of 
women.  I  like  you  individually  and  collectively,  but  all 
of  you  have  one  fault. 

CHIQUITA 
What's  that? 

KI-RAM 

You're  always  a  trifle  late. 

[88] 


The  Sultan    of  Sulu 

KI-RAM  AND  CHIQUITA 
"ALWAYS    LATE" 

KI-RAM 

See  the  lady  at  the  station, 

Starting  on  a  trip! 
In  a  state  of  perturbation, 

Slightly  off  her  dip. 

CHIQUITA 
"All  aboard!"  she  hears  them  calling, 

Then  they  ring  the  bell; 
While  she  starts  in  to  count  up  all  her  parcels 

And  to  kiss  her  friends  farewell. 

KI-RAM 

She  tells  each  one  good-bye, 
And  then  she  starts  to  cry; 
The  man  who's  at  the  gate 
Says,  "Hurry,  you'll  be  late!" 

[To  be  spoken.     The  bell  is  ringing  outside,  and  KI- 
RAM,  as  gateman,  is  busily  collecting  tickets  and 
crowding  the  passengers  through  the  turnstile. 
Well,  good-bye,  good-bye,  good-bye!     Write,  won't  you? 
And  don't  forget  to  feed  the  bird.     Where's  my —     Oh, 


7^ he    Sultan    of  Sulu 

here  it  is!  And,  say,  there  was  something  else —  Oh  yes, 
be  sure  and  give  the  goldfish  fresh  water  every  day.  I'll 
bet  I've  lost  that  parasol.  I  lose  more  parasols —  It  just 
seems  to  me  that  I  lose  something  every  time  I  start  to  go 
anywhere.  Oh,  you've  got  it,  have  you?  What  was  that 
other —  I  remember  now.  Tell  Laura  that  I  left  that 
dress-pattern  in  the  upper  left-hand  drawer  of  my  bureau— 
Yes,  where  I  keep  the  frizzes.  And  if  any  of  the  children 
get  sick,  telegraph  me  the  first  thing — [whistle] — and— 
Oh,  mercy!  there  goes  my  train. 

KI-RAM  AND  CHIQUITA 
Late!     Late!     Always  late! 
Railway  trains  should  learn  to  wait. 
They  should  take  their  time  in  starting, 
When  a  woman  is  departing, 
For  she's  always  a  trifle  late — late — late — 
She's  always  a  trifle  late. 

KI-RAM 

Guests  assembled  for  the  wedding 

Of  a  happy  pair; 
Female  friends  their  tears  are  shedding 

On  the  bride  so  fair. 

CHIQUITA 

'Tis  the  moment  for  the  entrance 
To  the  drawing-room, 

[90] 


The    Sultan    of  Sulu 

But  when  the  preacher's  ready  to  begin  the  service, 
No  one  there  except  the  groom. 

KI-RAM 

Mamma  must  hug  the  bride; 
Some  fourteen  friends  beside 
Must  smack  her  once  again, 
And  straighten  out  the  train. 

[To  be  spoken  while  the  orchestra  softly  plays  wedding- 
march,  to  give  effect  of  being  played  in  an  adjoining 
room. 

Oh,  ma-mah,  isn't  it  dreadful!  But  please  don't  carry 
on  so.  I'm  not  going  far  away.  We'll  come  and  see  you 
every  day.  Where's  my  bouquet?  Yes,  yes,  I'm  coming — 
Ethel,  how  does  that  veil  hang?  It  feels  all  squidgy  in  the 
back.  Gracious  goodness !  There  goes  the  music.  Where's 
my  bouquet?  Why,  I've  got  it,  haven't  I?  Lordy,  do  you 
know,  I  never  was  so  scared  in  all  my  life!  This  is  my 
first  time.  I  dare  say  that  makes  a  difference.  What's 
that?  The  others  have  gone  in  ?  Jiminy  crickets !  Where's 
my —  Ah,  yes —  Louise,  I'll  bet  I  look  as  if  I'd  been  cry- 
ing— don't  I,  really?  Well,  here  goes.  Gee!  look  at  all  the 
people.  This  is  the  last  time  /  ever  get  married. 

KI-RAM  AND  CHIQUITA 
Late!  Late!  Always  late! 
Even  Cupid  learns  to  wait. 


The  Sultan    of  Sulu 

There's  no  need  to  fuss  and  worry, 
Woman's  never  in  a  hurry, 
And  she's  always  a  trifle  late — late — late — 
She's  always  a  trifle  late. 

CHIQUITA 

When  you're  settled  snug  and  quiet, 

To  enjoy  a  play, 
Some  one  starts  a  small-sized  riot 

In  the  main  parquette. 

KI-RAM 

Seats  are  raised  and  seats  are  lowered, 

Ushers  come  and  go, 
And  what  is  taking  place  behind  the  footlights 

No  one  really  seems  to  know. 

CHIQUITA 

To  reach  an  inside  seat, 
She  walks  on  people's  feet, 
And  never  seems  to  care, 
Though  they  may  turn  and  stare. 

[Ki-RAM,  on  upper  landing,  impersonates  the  actor 
engaged  in  a  serious  and  sentimental  scene,  while 
CHIQUITA  plays  the  bustling  lady  who  comes  in  at 
9.05  and  demoralizes  the  performance. 

[92] 


The  Sultan    of  Sulu 

Oh,  my!  The  curtain's  gone  up,  hasn't  it?  I  wonder  if 
we  missed  anything.  I  don't  s'pose  we  have,  because  the 
first  part  of  a  show  never  amounts  to  anything,  any  way . 
Oh,  fiddle!  See  where  our  seats  are!  Why  didn't  you 
get  aisle  seats,  Fred?  I  always  want  to  sit  in  the  aisle. 
Shall  I  go  first?  I  wonder  if  these  people  are  going  to  let 
us  in.  Oh,  my!  did  you  see  the  look  that  woman  gave  me? 
Come  on  !  We'll  have  to  crowd  in  some  way.  Did  you 
get  any  programmes?  I  wonder  who  that  is  on  the  stage 
now.  I  do  hope  Faversham  hasn't  been  out  yet.  [A  sub- 
dued "  Sh-h-h!"]  Well,  what  do  you  think  of  that? 

CHIQUITA  AND  KI-RAM 

Late!     Late!     Always  late! 

Doesn't  start  till  half-past  eight. 

There's  no  need  to  fuss  and  worry, 

Woman's  never  in  a  hurry, 

And  she's  always  a  trifle  late — late — late — 

She's  always  a  trifle  late. 

[Dance. 

[At  conclusion  of  dance,  CHIQUITA  exits  and  HADJI 
comes  from  the  palace.  Ki-RAM  gives  him  the 
message  to  MANDI. 

KI-RAM 

Now  all  you  have  to  do  is  to  get  through  the  lines  and 
deliver  that  message  to  Mandi — 

[93] 


The   Sultan    of  Sulu 

HADJI 
They  may  shoot  at  me. 

KI-RAM 

If  any  one  shoots  at  you,  you  dodge.  [HADJI  exits. 
KI-RAM  calls  after  him}  And  tell  Colonel  Budd  I  want  to 
see  him.  [Soliloquy}  If  he  doesn't  get  through  with  that 
message,  I  have  a  panel  photograph  of  little  Bright  Eyes 
doing  a  solitaire  specialty  in  a  cold-storage  warehouse. 
[Enter  BUDD.]  Colonel,  bring  out  your  standing  army, 
feathers  and  all.  [Buoo  gives  signal  and  soldiers  enter} 
What  do  you  think?  We're  going  to  be  attacked — 

ALL 

Attacked? 

KI-RAM 

— By  the  Datto  Mandi — this  very  afternoon.  Colonel, 
my  ad  vice —  My!  Colonel,  you  are  one  of  the  handsomest 
men — 

BUDD 
[Impatiently}     I  know  it!     I  know  it!     Proceed! 

KI-RAM 

My  advice  is  to  take  all  of  these  peace  commissioners 
over  to  the  north  wall.  Let  them  shoot  at  everything  in 
sight,  while  I,  being  merely  an  office-holder,  will  take  the 

[94] 


The   Sultan   of  Sulu 

women  into  the  palace  grounds,  near  the  south  gate,  so  as 
to  keep  them  out  of  danger. 

BUDD 

An  excellent  plan. 

KI-RAM 

[Solemnly.]     And  may  Allah  give  you  victory. 

[He  summons  the  natives,  who  come  in,  followed  by  the 
Americans. 

CHORUS  OF  NATIVES 
Drive  the  foe  into  the  sea! 
Allah!     Allah!     Strike  for  thee! 
Winds  and  furies,  wild  and  free! 
Allah!     Allah!     Strike  for  thee! 
Allah— il— Allah! 

[BUDD  and  the  other  Americans  listen  to  the  chorus, 
and  appear  to  be  in  pain.  Evidently  the  Oriental 
music  does  not  appeal  to  them. 

BUDD 
Stop  it !     Stop  it !     That  is  the  worst  I  ever  heard.  What 

do  you  call  it? 

KI-RAM 

It  is  our  Sulu  battle-hymn.     We  always  sing  that  just 
before  we  fight. 

IPS] 


The    Sultan    of   Sulu 

BUDD 

That's  enough  to  make  any  one  fight. 

KI-RAM 

I'm  sorry  you  don't  like  it.     It's  very  popular  over  here. 

JONES 

Popular  !  Popular  !  Would  you  like  to  hear  some  of 
the  popular  songs  of  a  truly  progressive  and  refined 
people? 

KI-RAM 
If  it  isn't  too  much  trouble. 

JONES 

Very  well,  your  musical  education  begins  right  here. 
We'll  give  you  some  of  our  characteristic  numbers  with  the 
usual  trimmings. 

[JONES   gives   a  sheet   to   Ki-RAM   and  then   comes 
down  centre  with  the  school-ma'ams. 

JONES 
Oh,  sing  no  more  of  the  crescent  moon 

Above  the  mango-tree, 
Or  of  the  bold  and  free  monsoon 

That  fans  your  local  sea. 
I've  something  here  of  a  classic  turn 

Which  you  should  learn  to  sing, 

[96] 


The  Sultan    of  Sulu 

As  true  musicians  you  must  learn 
To  do  this  sort  of  thing. 

[He   breaks   into   the   familiar  American  song   and 
dance  with  walk  around. 

Rosabella,  Rosabella  Clancy, 
She  has  caught  my  idle  fancy; 
Simply  a  stenographic  girl, 
But  a  priceless  princess  and  a  pearl. 
Rosabella,  Rosabella  Clancy, 
She  is  ever  bright  and  glancy, 
Cute,  coquettish,  song-and-dancey — 
Rosabella,  Bella  Clancy. 

[All  repeat,  with  dance. 

CHIQUITA 

The  song  they  like  the  best  of  all 

For  years  has  been  the  rage, 
Through  spring  and  winter,  summer,  fall, 

At  home  and  on  the  stage. 
A  syncopated  serenade, 

Beneath  the  lime-light's  glow, 
About  a  dusky  darky  maid — 

I'll  show  how  it  should  go. 

[The    music    swings    into    a    "coon"    melody.     The 
principals  form  a  minstrel  semicircle  behind  her. 

[97] 


The   Sultan    of  Sulu 

Along  about  Thanksgivin', 
Away  las'  yeah,  , 

A  saddle-cullud  Venus 
Come  a  visitin'  heah; 
Miss  Delia  was  de  sistah 
Of  Eldah  Lucas  Brown, 
An'  de  dreamies'  dream 
Dat  eveh  struck  dis  town. 
I  went  to  de  cabin 
Where  de  Browns  reside; 
I  sang  dis  song 
As  I  stood  outside: 

"  Come  to  de  cabin  window, 

Delia,  my  gal; 

Two  shiny  eyes  so  bright! 

Come  to  de  window, 

Delia,  my  gal, 

Two  little  specks  ob  white! 

Oh,  Delia,  I'd  steal  you,  Delia, 

Steal  you  if  I  could; 

But,  Delia,  I'll  be  good. 

Come  to  de  window, 

Delia,  my  gal, 

Heah  in  de  pale  moonlight!" 

[All  repeat,  "Come  to  de  cabin  window''  etc.,  with 
dance.  Then  Ki  -  RAM  steps  to  the  front  with  the 
sheet  of  music  given  to  him  by  JONES. 

[98] 


The   Sultan    of  Sulu 

KI-RAM 
I  never  heard  such  a  song  before, 

Or  such  a  sprightly  air; 
I'm  much  inclined  to  shout,  " Encore!" 

I'm  pleased  beyond  compare. 
And  now  I'll  ask  a  chord  in  G 

For  this  sad  roundelay, 
About  the  girl  of  Manistee 

Who  up  and  went  away. 

[He  looks  at  the  song,  trembles  with  emotion,  and 
is  unable  to  proceed. 

KI-RAM 
Colonel,  I  can't  sing  this.     It's  too  sad. 

BUDD 
Go  on;  try  it.     All  true  Americans  love  sad  songs. 

KI-RAM 
Where  is  Manistee? 

BUDD 
In  Michigan. 

KI-RAM 
That  makes  it  sadder  still.     [Sings.] 

Oh,  darling  sister,  come  back  to  Manistee; 
Come  back  to  Manistee;  come  right  away! 

[99] 


The   Sultan   of  Sulu 

For  mother  is  waiting  for  you  back  in  Manistee; 
Come  back  to  Manistee;  don't  go  astray! 

[At  the  conclusion  he  breaks  down  and  sobs  con- 
vulsively, while  the  entire  chorus  repeats  the  pathetic 
appeal  with  much  feeling.  After  which  Ki-RAM, 
BUDD,  JONES,  and  DINGBAT  sing  it  as  a  "close 
harmony"  quartette — the  kind  heard  at  amateur 
entertainments  for  the  benefit  of  something.  As 
they  conclude,  a  rifle-shot  is  heard  near  at  hand. 
The  company  is  thrown  into  confusion,  and  Ki-RAM 
retreats  to  the  palace. 

BUDD 

What's  that?     Are  we  attacked  ahead  of  schedule  time? 

[HARDY  comes  on  from  right. 

HARDY 

They  have  captured  a  man  trying  to  get  through  the 
lines. 

[Two  marines  enter  with  HADJI  between  them.  His 
garments  are  torn  and  he  is  badly  mussed  up. 

A  NATIVE 
Why,  it's  Hadji! 

HARDY 
We  found  this. 

[He  gives  the  intercepted  message  to  BUDD. 


The    Sultan    of  Sulu 

BUDD 

This  looks  suspicious,  but  I  can't  make  it  out.     Will  you 

translate  it? 

[He  hands  it  over  to  JONES,  who,  during  the  twenty- 
jour  hours  he  has  spent  on  the  island,  has  mastered 
the  Sulu  language. 

JONES 

It  is  to  the  Datto  Mandi  of  Parang.  [Reads.]  "The 
south  gate  of  the  city  will  be  unguarded  at  four  o'clock. 
Your  eight  nieces  may  be  found  in  the  palace  garden." 

BUDD 

Why ,  this  is  treason !  Where  is  the  Governor?  [Ki-RAM 
comes  from  palace,  practising  the  "Delia"  dance.  BUDD 
calls  to  him.]  Governor! 

KI-RAM 
What's  the  matter,  Colonel? 

BUDD 

We  have  captured  a  traitor. 

i 

KI-RAM 
A  traitor? 

BUDD 
Yes — look. 

[Ki-RAM  sees  HADJI  and  shows  consternation. 

[101] 


The    Sultan    of  Sulu 

JONES 
Read  that. 

[Ki-RAM  takes  ike  message  and  reads  as  he  goes  tow- 
ards HADJI.] 

KI-RAM 

North  wall — south  gate — isn't  that  terrible  ?  [To  HADJI.] 
Oh,  Hadji,  you  whom  I  have  trusted — you  whom  I  have 
known  since  boyhood — you  in  a  conspiracy!  How  could 
you!  [Chokes  him.]  Not  a  word!  [Aside.]  If  he  speaks, 
I'm  lost. 

PAMELA 

The  question  is,  who  sent  him  with  that  message? 

KI-RAM 

That  is  the  question,  undoubtedly,  "Who  sent  him?" 
[To  HADJI.]  Why  didn't  you  swallow  it? 

HADJI 
I  couldn't.     My  heart  was  in  my  mouth. 

PAMELA 

Do  you  happen  to  know  of  any  one  who  would  like  very 
much  to  see  those  young  ladies  disappear  and  never  return  ? 

KI-RAM 

Why,  Judge,  what  do  you  mean?  [To  BUDD.]  At  least, 
Colonel,  you  don't  suspect  me  ? 

[102] 


The   Sultan    of  Sulu 

PAMELA 
Let  the  prisoner  speak! 

KI-RAM 

No,  I  protest.     He's  a  private  secretary.     I  wouldn't 
believe  him  under  oath. 

[The  palace  clock  strikes,  one — two — three — four — 
five.  Ki-RAM  listens  apprehensively,  flinching  at 
each  stroke. 

PAMELA 
Five  o'clock!     The  alimony! 

KI-RAM 
[Helplessly.]     Judge — 

PAMELA 

As  I  suspected — you  can't  pay.     Very  well,  to  jail  with 
both  of  them. 

KI-RAM 

I  think  you  are  the  meanest  judge — 

[Marines  seize  Ki-RAM  and  HADJI. 

PAMELA 
To  jail! 

[They  are  marched  away.  BUDD  summons  LIEU- 
TENANT HARDY. 


The   Sultan    of  Sulu 

BUDD 

Lieutenant  Hardy,  take  a  detachment.  Bring  in  this 
Datto  Mandi.  If  you  capture  him,  my  election  to  Congress 
will  be  assured.  [HARDY  salutes.]  Fellow  -  citizens,  the 
military  will  assume  command.  Until  there  can  be  an 
election  by  the  people,  I  will  be  Governor  of  Sulu. 

CHORUS  TO  BUDD 

Loudly  we  shout, 

With  unaffected  din, 
Ki-Ram  goes  out 

And  Budd  comes  in! 
Ki-Ram  goes  out 

And  Budd,  and  Budd  comes  in! 

[Soldiers  and  all  the  others  exeunt  to  the  marching 
chorus,  the  wives  and  native  women  waving  their 
good-byes. 

MARCHING  CHORUS 

For  they  know  the  girls  they're  leaving  behind 

All  civilian  love  will  spurn, 
And  never  a  one  will  change  her  mind 

Till  the  Volunteers  return. 

[As  the  chorus  dies  away,  HENRIETTA  comes  from 
palace  and  crosses  to  the  upper  landing,  mourn- 
fully watching  the  departure. 
[  104] 


The    Sultan    of  Sulu 

HENRIETTA 

Gone !  The  only  man  I  have  loved  this  week !  The  only 
lieutenant  in  the  command!  With  what  joy  shall  I  await 
his  return!  [Sings.] 

"WHEN    MAIDENS    WAIT" 

When  maidens  wait  for  lovers  far  away — 

How  long  each  moment  then! 
They  sigh  impatient  through  the  lonesome  day — 

Sigh  for  the  absent  men! 

Sigh  for  the  absent  men! 
Yet  this  reflection  cheers  my  woful  plight 

And  brings  relief  from  pain — 
The  longer  he's  away,  the  more  delight 

To  see  him  back  again! 

To  see  him  back  again! 

Since  he  departed  I  have  drooped  and  sighed — 

I  wear  a  downcast  air. 
My  deep  anxiety  I  do  not  hide — 

It's  noticed  ev'rywhere! 

It's  noticed  ev'rywhere! 
A  girl  whose  sweetheart  to  the  war  has  gone — 

A  touching  picture  she! 
And  yet  the  longer  I  am  left  alone 

The  more  concern  for  me! 

The  more  concern  for  me! 


The    Sultan    of  Sulu 

[She  enters  ike  palace.  Ki  -  RAM  and  HADJI,  in 
modified  prison  stripes,  humanely  cut  on  the  even- 
ing-dress pattern,  enter  from  right.  Each  has  a 
heavy  iron  band  padlocked  about  his  waist,  and 
they  are  chained  together.  A  very  tall  and  for- 
midable native  guard  accompanies  them.  They  are 
exceedingly  dejected. 

KI-RAM 

[To  guard.]  You  tell  the  warden  that  we'll  be  back 
about  nine  o'clock,  and  tell  him  not  to  lock  us  out. 
[Guard  exits.  KI-RAM  looks  at  HADJI.]  You  appear  to  be 
sad  about  something. 

HADJI 
I  am  sad. 

KI-RAM 
You  appear  to  be  very  sad. 

HADJI 
The  future  seems  quite  dark  to  me. 

KI-RAM 

As  for  me,  I'm  a  little  discouraged  about  my  future, 
more  or  less  ashamed  of  my  past,  and  not  exactly  delighted 
with  my  present. 

HADJI 

Only  to  think,  branded  as  a  criminal! 

[106] 


The    Sultan    of  Sulu 

KI-RAM 

Hadji,  after  having  been  a  private  secretary  for  years,  I 
shouldn't  think  you'd  mind  a  little  thing  like  this.  Be- 
sides, it's  no  disgrace  to  be  a  convict.  Science  has  but 
lately  discovered  that  crime  is  a  disease.  We  are  not 
really  wicked ;  we  are  full  of  microbes. 

HADJI 
It's  a  consoling  reflection,  isn't  it? 

KI-RAM 

What's  more,  I  have  a  plan.  I  find  in  that  volume  of 
Arkansaw  law  that  when  a  divorced  woman  becomes  des- 
perate and  remarries,  then  the  first  victim  doesn't  have 
to  pay  any  more  alimony. 

HADJI 
Well? 

KI-RAM 

Shall  I  move  in  a  portable  black-board  and  diagram 
this  for  you?  Don't  you  see  that  if  I  can  induce  those 
dreamy  gazelles  to  commit  matrimony,  then  I  shall 
be  free  and  can  take  my  place  as  Governor  once 
more  ? 

HADJI 
What  good  will  that  do  me? 


The  Sultan    of  Sulu 

KI-RAM 

After  I  am  Governor  once  more,  you  apply  for  a  pardon. 

HADJI 
And  then? 

KI-RAM 

Then  your  application  will  be  placed  on  file. 

HADJI 
After  which? 

KI-RAM 

Nothing  ever  happens  after  an  application  is  placed  on 

file. 

HADJI 

I  can't  see  that  the  situation  is  clearing  up  as  far  as  I 
am  concerned. 

KI-RAM 

You  don't  seem  to  understand.  This  plan  of  mine  is 
intended  to  get  me  out  of  trouble.  It's  not  any  wide- 
spread, benevolent  undertaking  of  a  Carnegie  character. 
It's  simply  a  very  foxy  plan  by  which  your  uncle  Ki-Ram 
is  going  to  give  the  loud,  metallic  ha-ha  to  Hasty  Helen. 

HADJI 

And  what,  oh  Towering  Intellect,  is  your  plan?  [Ki- 
RAM  gives  him  a  card,  which  he  reads.]  "Ki-Ram  and 

[108] 


The    Sultan    of  Sulu 

Hadji,  matrimonial  agents."     Then  I  am  a  partner  in  the 
enterprise  ? 

KI-RAM 

In  order  to  get  my  parole,  I  had  to  bring  you  along,  so  I 
thought  I  might  as  well  make  you  a  partner.  No  one  but 
a  blacksmith  can  dissolve  this  partnership. 

[NATIVIDAD,  one  of  the  wives,  comes  from  the  palace 
and  down  the  broad  stairway.  She  is  overwhelm- 
ingly attired  in  a  Parisian  gown,  and  has  adopted 
a  languid,  society  manner. 

KI-RAM 

[Gazing  at  her}  Merciful  Manila!  See  what  she  has 
been  doing  with  my  money!  [He  approaches  her  in  the 
humble  manner  of  a  tradesman  soliciting  patronage.}  Good- 
evening!  Would  you  do  me  a  slight  favor?  I  want  you 
to  marry  a — 

NATIVIDAD 

[Haughtily.]     Oh,  really! 

[RAMONA,  another  wife,  follows  NATIVIDAD.  She 
and  the  others,  who  come  later,  wear  superb  evening 
costumes. 

KI-RAM 

[To  RAMONA,  offering  card.}  Would  you  require  any- 
thing in  our  line? 

[109] 


The    Sultan    of  Sulu 

RAMONA 
I  beg  pardon,  but  have  we  met? 

KI-RAM 

We  were  married  for  a  while,  but,  of  course,  that  is  a 
mere  detail. 

[She  passes  on  as  MAURICIA  comes  down  the  steps. 

HADJI 
Oh,  look  at  this  one! 

KI-RAM 

[To  HADJI.]  Did  you  ever  see  so  much  alimony  in  one 
evening?  [To  MAURICIA.]  We  have  in  stock  a  choice 
assortment  of  husbands — short  ones,  tall  ones — 

MAURICIA 
Indeed! 

[Passing  on.     SELINA  approaches  and  KI-RAM  bows 
to  her. 

KI-RAM 

Madam,  matrimony  follows  the  flag.  Our  husbands  are 
guaranteed — 

SELINA 

What  strange-looking  creatures! 

KI-RAM 

And   my   money   paid   for   it.     [Looking   at   the  gown. 

[no] 


THREE     OF    THE     "AMERICANIZED"    WIVES 


The   Sultan    of  Sulu 

PEPITA  follows,  and  he  addresses  her.]  An  American  hus- 
band is  a  very  convenient  thing  to  have  around  the  house. 
He  is  a  permanent  meal-ticket  and  can  be  taught  to  eat 
from  the  hand. 

PEPITA 

I  should  rather  like  to  have  one. 

[Passing  on. 

HADJI 
That  is  the  first  ray  of  hope. 

[NATALIA  enters. 

KI-RAM 
[To  NATALIA.]     Laura,  why  not? 

NATALIA 
My  name  is  not  Laura. 

KI-RAM 

Isn't  it?  Well,  it's  a  wise  husband  that  can  remem- 
ber all  of  his  wives.  [She  passes  on  and  he  continues  to 
importune  her]  Madam,  a  husband  can  be  thrown  in  with 
the  lease  and  moved  out  with  the  furniture.  Now — [Sees 
CHI  QUIT  A,  w  ho  comes  with  a  -flourish  of  her  -finery.]  Oh-h-h-h ! 

CHIQUITA 

[Sweeping  up  and  down  to  display  gown]  We  are 
Americanized. 


The   Sultan    of  Sulu 

KI-RAM 
/  am  paralyzed. 

HADJI 

And  I  [looking  at  wives,  who  are  disdainful]  seem  to  be 
ostracized. 

KI-RAM 
You  are  simply  undersized.     That  lets  you  out. 

CHIQUITA. 
As  I  live,  it's  that  fellow  Ki-Ram. 

KI-RAM 

Yes,  ma'am,  I  am,  I  am  Ki-Ram,  and  I'd  like  to  say 
something  to  complete  the  rhyme. 

CHIQUITA 

[To  the  wives.]  We  must  not  be  seen  talking  to  any 
one  below  us  in  social  station. 

KI-RAM 

This  is  one  of  the  heaviest  frosts  ever  known  in  the 
tropics.  [BuDD  and  HENRIETTA  enter  together  as  KI-RAM 
continues  to  address  the  wives  on  the  business  proposition] 
Ladies,  matrimony  is  an  institution  that  no  family  should 
be  without.  True  happiness — [HADJI  sees  BUDD  and  HEN- 
RIETTA, and  attempts  to  call  KI-RAM'S  attention  to  them.  He 

[112] 


The    Sultan   of  Sulu 

jerks  at  ike  chain] — true  happiness — [HADJI  pulls  the  chain 
once  more.  Ki-RAM  to  wives.}  Excuse  me,  I'm  getting  a 
cable  message. 

HADJI 

The  Colonel. 

[All  wives   except   CHIQUITA   exeunt  as   BUDD   and 
HENRIETTA  come  down  stage. 

CHIQUITA 
[Hurrying  to  BUDD.]     Oh,  Colonel! 

HENRIETTA 
[Seeing  Ki-RAM  in  prison  suit.}     Governor! 

KI-RAM 

Henrietta,  don't  call  me  Governor!  I  am  plain  convict 
number  forty-seven.  The  globule  of  merriment  fastened 
to  the  other  end  of.  this  daisy  chain  is  number  forty- 
eight.  Even  my  private  secretary  outranks  me  one  point. 
Henrietta,  help  us.  Every  man  likes  to  see  his  wife  hap- 
pily married.  I  want  these  fairy  fays  to  marry  the  soldiers. 

HENRIETTA 
I  think  that  every  girl  should  marry  a  soldier. 

KI-RAM 
Good!     [Offering  card  to  Colonel}     Colonel! 


The    Sultan    of   Sulu 

HADJI 


Colonel,  we  hope — 


KI-RAM 


You  keep  still.  You  are  the  silent  partner.  [To  BUDD.] 
Have  a  card. 

BUDD 

[Reading  the  card.]  "Ki-Ram  and  Hadji,  matrimonial 
agents.  Husbands  and  wives  supplied  while  you  wait. 
Satisfaction  guaranteed  or  goods  will  be  exchanged."  [To 
CHIQUITA.]  That  seems  reasonable. 

KI-RAM 

Exactly.  Our  object  in  life  is  to  make  people  happy, 
it  being  a  well  known  fact  that  all  married  people  are 
happy.  [Aside.}  Heaven  help  me!  [To  BUDD  once  more.] 
Take  your  case.  There  is  Chiquita — she  loves  you  dearly. 

BUDD 
Really— 

HADJI 

I  should  say  so.  Everybody  in  jail  has  been  talking 
about  it. 

KI-RAM 

Take  a  good  look,  Colonel.  She's  amiable,  young,  fas- 
cinating. I  don't  see  how  you  can  get  along  without  her. 


The   Sultan    of  Sulu 

BUDD 

Really — I  see  no  objection. 

[Enter  HARDY. 

CHIQUITA 

Oh,  Colonel! 

[BUDD  and  CHIQUITA  embrace. 

HENRIETTA 
[Scandalized.]     Father! 

KI-RAM 

[Delighted.}     Too  late! 

HARDY 
Colonel,  congratulations  on  your  wonderful  victory. 

BUDD 
My  wonderful  victory. 

HARDY 
We  have  brought  in  the  Datto  Mandi. 

KI-RAM 
Mandi  here?     I'm  going  back  to  jail. 

HADJI 
But  the  matrimonial  bureau? 

["si 


The  Sultan    of  S^llu 

KI-RAM 


That's  so. 


HENRIETTA 

[To  BUDD.]  If  you  and  Chiquita  are  to  be  married,  why 
not  Mr.  Hardy  and  I? 

BUDD 
On  various  occasions  I  have — 

KI-RAM 
Look  out  everybody,  he's  going  to  make  a  speech. 

BUDD 

I  will  permit  you  and  the  Lieutenant  to  stand  up  with 
me  and  Chiquita. 

[BuDD  and  CHIQUITA  stroll  up  stage  together,  leav- 
ing HENRIETTA  disconsolate.  Ki  -  RAM  beckons 
to  her. 

KI-RAM 

Henny!  Henny,  come  here!  If  you  and  this  reckless 
youth  wish  to  marry,  cultivate  Chiquita.  Hereafter  she 
will  be  the  general  manager  of  the  Budd  family. 

HENRIETTA 

I'll  do  it.  [Goes  over  to  CHIQUITA.]  Chiquita!  Or 
perhaps  I  had  better  learn  to  call  you  "mamma." 

[116]  ' 


The   Sty  I  tan    of  Sulu 

KI-RAM  AND  HADJI 
[Aside.]     Mamma!     [They  dance  with  glee.} 

CHIQUITA 
What  is  it,  my  daughter? 

KI-RAM  AND  HADJI 

[Aside]     Daughter !     [They  embrace  each  other  in  rapt- 
ure] 

HENRIETTA 

[To  CHIQUITA.]    Come!    Help  me  to  select  a  nice  soldier 
for  each  of  your  sisters. 

CHIQUITA 

Indeed  I  will.     [To  BUDD.]     Star  of  my  soul!     [Looks  at 
him  tenderly  and  goes  over  to  join  HARDY  and  HENRIETTA.] 

KI-RAM 

[To  HADJI.]     Star  of  her  soul!     That's  what  she  used  to 
call  me. 

BUDD 

[Cordially]     Gentlemen,  we  seem  to  be  threatened  with 
an  epidemic  of  marriages. 

HADJI 
It  hasn't  affected  me  yet. 


The   Sultan   of  Sulu 

KI-RAM 

Don't  you  worry — I'm  going  to  give  you  Galula.  [To 
BUDD.]  Colonel,  do  you  know  what  I've  been  thinking 
about  ever  since  I  went  to  jail? 

BUDD 
[Interested.]     Tell  me. 

KI-RAM 
I  forget  the  name,  but  it  had  a  cherry  in  it. 

BUDD 

A  cocktail!     Come! 

[They  start  towards  the  palace.  Ki-RAM  finds  him- 
self held  back  by  the  chain  attached  to  HADJI.  He 
is  embarrassed. 

KI-RAM 
Colonel! 

BUDD 
Well? 

KI-RAM 

I  don't  like  to  ring  any  one  in  on  you,  but  there  are 
certain  reasons  why  we  shall  have  to  take  number  forty- 
eight  along  with  us.     [Buoo  shrugs  his  shoulders  and  exits.] 
About  face!     Forward,  march!     To  the  life-saving  station ! 
[Ki-RAM  and  HADJI  off  left,  keeping  step. 
[118] 


The   Sultan    of  Sulu 

HARDY 

[Looking  at  CHIQUITA.]  Chiquita,  simply  marvellous! 
In  two  days  you  have  become  quite  assimilated.  Permit 
me.  [Kisses  CHIQUITA.  Exclamation  of  surprise  from  HEN- 
RIETTA.] What's  the  matter?  Haven't  I  a  right  to  kiss 
my  mother-in-law? 

HENRIETTA 
You  have  the  right,  but  it  is  so  unusual. 

HARDY 

And  a  charming  mother-in-law,  too.  Only  to  think — 
yesterday  morning  an  untamed  creature  of  the  jungle,  and 
now,  thanks  to  our  new  policy,  a  genuine  American  girl. 

CHIQUITA 

Yes,  a  genuine  American  girl,  for  I'm  going  to  get  mar- 
ried right  away. 

HENRIETTA  AND  CHORUS 

"FOOLISH   WEDDING-BELLS" 

When  you  are  feeling  out  of  gear 

And  blue  as  indigo, 
The  world  devoid  of  any  cheer, 

Your  spirits  rather  low, 

Now  this  is  what  you  ought  to  do,  and  that  without  delay: 
Go  seek  the  matrimonial  mart — get  married  right  away. 


The   Sultan    of  Sulu 

REFRAIN 
For  men  they  come,  and  men  they  go, 

Don't  wait  until  to-morrow; 
For  those  who  wait  too  long  may  know 

A  spinster's  lot  is  sorrow. 
Shut  your  eyes;  grab  a  prize; 
Choose  a  male  at  the  bargain  sale; 
To  single  joys  your  last  farewells, 
And  ring  those  foolish  wedding-bells. 

[As  she  ^s  singing  the  refrain,  the  wives  and  Imperial 
Guards  come  in,  attended  by  pages  who  carry 
cushions.  BUDD  comes  back  from  left  and  joins 
CHIQUITA.  A  stately  dance  follows  the  repeat  of 
the  refrain,  at  the  close  of  which  the  men  are  kneeling 
on  the  cushions,  each  in  front  of  the  maiden  of  his 
choice.  Ki-RAM  and  HADJI  come  from  palace. 

HENRIETTA 
[To  Ki-RAM.]     I  have  arranged  everything. 

KI-RAM 

Talk   about  your  matrimonial  jack-pots!     Now,  then, 
who's  going  to  perform- the  ceremony? 

HENRIETTA 

I  have  sent  for  the  Judge-Advocate. 

[PAMELA  enters  and  comes  down  centre. 


Miss  Gertrude  Quintan  as  CHIQUITA 


The   Sultan    of  Sulu 

KI-RAM 
Oh,  fie,  fury,  fiddle,  and  fudge!     [Falls  in  HADJI'S  arms.} 

PAMELA 
Well,  what  is  required? 

CHIQUITA 

[Mischievously  and  triumphantly.}     We  want  to  get  mar- 
ried— all  of  us. 

PAMELA 
Married!    You,  too,  Colonel? 

BUDD 

[Embarrassed}     I'm  afraid  so. 

PAMELA 
Oh,  Colonel,  how  could  you!     [Signs  of  breaking  down.] 

KI-RAM 

He  couldn't,  so  we  arranged  it  for  him. 

PAMELA 

You  arranged  it?    Aha!     I  see.     [To  the  women}     You 
have  been  deceived.     [Men  arise} 

WOMEN 

Deceived?     [Pages  remove  cushions} 

[121] 


The  Sultan    of  Sulu 

PAMELA 

Don't  you  remember  what  I  told  you?  If  you  remarry, 
you  lose  all  interest  in  the  royal  estates.  Marry,  and  that 
moment  you  are  paupers. 

CHIQUITA 

You  forget.  We  are  now  American  girls,  and  they  never 
marry  for  money.  [Ki-RAM  and  HADJI  applaud  loudly^ 
Begin  the  service 

PAMELA 

No!  If  you  will  not  save  yourselves,  then  I  will  save 
you.  Listen  to  this  order  of  the  court.  The  divorced 
wives  of  Ki-Ram  shall  not  marry  within  the  year.  [A 
general  exclamation  of  disappointment.  Soldiers  embrace 
the  wives  sympathetically.] 

PAMELA 
[To  KI-RAM.]     Now,  what  do  you  say? 

Ki-RAM 

I  don't  dare  to  say  it,  there  are  ladies  present.  Have 
mercy,  Judge.  [She  spurns  him.}  Have  a  card. 

[She  looks  at  him  contemptuously  and  stalks  away, 
followed  by  the  sorrowful  couples,  leaving  Ki-RAM 
and  HADJI  alone  with  their  misery.  They  squat 
at  centre,  utterly  discouraged. 


The    Sultan    of  Sulu 

KI-RAM 

Hadji,  pull  down  the  blinds.  The  matrimonial  agency 
is  busted.  [GALULA  slips  on  from  left  and  stands  behind 
him,  gently  fanning.  He  sits  up,  alarmed.  Looks  at  HAD- 
JI.] Do  you  feel  a  draught?  [Turns  and  sees  GALULA.] 
Oh,  Galula,  don't  you  think  I'm  having  trouble  enough? 
[She  exits  to  left,  crestfallen,  as  the  DATTO  MANDI  of  Parang, 
a  fierce  and  bearded  warrior,  brandishing  a  long  sword, 
comes  stealthily  from  right  and  approaches  Ki-RAM.] 

HADJI 

I  wonder  what's  going  to  happen  next. 

[Ki-RAM  sees  MANDI  and  falls  over  in  mortal  terror. 
HADJI  scrambles  to  the  end  of  the  chain.  MANDI 
has  his  sword  up  and  is  about  to  despatch  KI- 
RAM,  when  JONES  comes  on  from  right  and  stops 
him. 

JONES 

You  mustn't  kill  this  man.  I've  insured  his  life  for  fifty 
thousand  pesos. 

[Loud  cheering  heard  outside.  KI-RAM,  HADJI,  and 
MANDI  listen,  surprised. 

HADJI 
What's  that? 

[JONES  runs  up  steps  and  looks  out. 


The  Sultan    of  Sulu 

JONES 

Aha!     The  campaign  clubs   are  coming,  and  the  two 
candidates  for  Governor. 

KI-RAM 
Candidates  for  Governor? 

JONES 
Certainly.     Politics  follows  the  flag. 

[More  cheering.  A  crash  of  brass-band  music,  and  a 
political  parade  comes  into  view.  First,  "  The  Sulu 
Democratic  Marching  Club"  with  a  large  banner. 
Soldiers,  natives,  wives,  etc.,  march  four  abreast. 
Then  the  "Sulu  Republican  Marching  Club,"  with 
banner,  tin  horns,  badges,  etc.  The  Democrats 
mass  at  the  left,  and  Republicans  at  right.  BUDD, 
PAMELA,  HARDY,  HENRIETTA,  CHIQUITA,  and 
JONES  in  the  centre.  DIDYMOS  and  RASTOS,  in 
frock-coat  costumes  and  tall  hats,  come  down  and 
do  a  lively  dance. 

KI-RAM 
Colonel,  what  in  the  name  of  Aguinaldo  does  this  mean? 

BUDD 

I  will  explain.  When  you  went  to  prison,  I,  as  military 
commander,  became  Governor  pro  tern.,  until  the  people 
could  elect  a  new  governor.  The  first  political  campaign 


The    Sultan    of  Sulu 

is  now  in  full  swing.  Permit  me  to  introduce  the  Honorable 
Mr.  Rastos,  the  people's  choice,  Republican  candidate  for 
Governor  of  Sulu.  [Cheers  and  horn-blowing  on  the  Re- 
publican side.  RASTOS  bows  to  the  ovation,  and  then  looks 
at  KI-RAM  scornfully.}  And  the  Honorable  Mr.  Didymos, 
the  workingman's  friend,  Democratic  candidate  for  Gov- 
ernor of  Sulu.  [Cheers  and  horn-blowing  on  the  Democratic 
side} 

HADJI 
[To  KI-RAM.]     What  are  we— Populists ? 

KI-RAM 
No.     We  are  Prohibitionists.     Colonel! 

BUDD 
Well? 

KI-RAM 

Colonel,  this  is  the  final  blow.  Take  me  back  to  prison. 
Lock  me  in  the  deepest,  darkest,  dampest  dungeon,  and 
keep  me  there  forever. 

[Boom  of  cannon  heard. 

BUDD 

What's  that? 

[Enter  Soldier. 


The    Siiltan    of  Sulu 

SOLDIER 

The  despatch  -  boat  has  arrived  with  orders.  [Gives 
official-looking  paper  to  BUDD  and  one  to  HARDY.] 

HARDY 

[Looking.}  What's  this?  [Reading.}  " For  bravery  dis- 
played in  the  capture  of  the  desperate  and  bloodthirsty 
Mandi,  you  are  made  a  brigadier-general." 

HENRIETTA 
A  brigadier-general! 

HARDY 

Yes!  Of  Volunteers,  too!  A  hero  at  last!  [He  em- 
braces HENRIETTA.] 

KI-RAM 
A  hero!     Now  he'll  have  to  be  investigated. 

BUDD 

[Looking  at  paper}  Aha!  This  is  important.  [Reads} 
"The  Supreme  Court  decides  that  the  constitution  follows 
the  flag  on  Mondays,  Wednesdays,  and  Fridays  only.  This 
being  the  case,  you  are  instructed  to  preserve  order  in  Sulu, 
but  not  to  interfere  with  any  of  the  local  laws  or  customs. 
[To  soldiers}  Release  him !  He  is  no  longer  convict  num- 
ber forty-seven.  He  is — the  Sultan! 

[The  soldiers  hastily  remove  the  chains.     One  hands 
KI-RAM   his  royal  Sulu  head-gear.     As  he  puts 
[126] 


The   Sultan    of  Sulu 

it  on  there  is  a  blare  of  trumpets.  All  the  natives 
salaam  humbly.  DIDYMOS  and  RASTOS  kneel  in 
trepidation.  KI-RAM  swaggers  back  and  forth  in 
front  of  the  assemblage. 

KI-RAM 

[To  DIDYMOS  and  RASTOS.]     You  two  statesmen   hurry 
and  get  me  a  throne. 

CHIQUITA 
[Sadly.]     And  are  we  still  your  wives? 

KI-RAM 
Not  if  I  can  help  it.     You  go  to  Parang  with  Mandi. 

CHIQUITA 
We  don't  want  to  go. 

KI-RAM 

I  don't  care  where  you  go,  but  the  alimony  ceases.     [He 
mounts  an  improvised  throne  at  centre.]     Judge  Jackson! 

PAMELA 
[Coldly]     Well,  sir? 

KI-RAM 

Back  to  Boston!     As  for  the  brother  of  the  sun,  he  will 
resume  operations  as  the  Sultan  of  Sulu. 


The   Sultan   of  Sulu 


FINALE 

KI-RAM 

And  this  is  why,  you'll  understand, 
I  love  my  own,  my  native  land, 

My  little  isle  of  Sulu! 

Smiling  isle  of  Sulu! 
I  wasn't  ready  to  say  good-bye, 
And  I'm  glad  that  I  didn't  have  to  die. 

[All  repeat. 

CHORUS  TO  AUDIENCE 

Since  we  first  met  you, 

Since  we  first  met  you, 

The  open  sky  above  us  seems  a  deeper  blue; 
Golden,  drippling  sunshine  warms  us  through  and  through, 

Each  flower  has  a  new  perfume, 

Since  we  met  you! 

CURTAIN 


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